This post is brought to you by the letter B

Well this took a little longer than I thought it would but I finally finished with B which of course means it's time for another new update for my new year's resolution you have all clearly stopped caring about if you even did to begin with. Anyway here are the movies I watched.


Starting from the top Left - Bad Boys, Bandits, Barbershop, Batman Begins, A Bee Movie, Beyond The Mat, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, Black Snake Moan, Blankman, Borat:Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, Bourne Identity, Bourne Supremacy, Bowfinger, Bring It On

I decided I was going to stick with these same categories that I set up for A just to help create some sort of uniformity to these posts.

Best Movie: Batman Begins. Quite simply this is the movie that reminded me that Batman movies can be good. Everything was excellent and just further cemented my love of Christopher Nolan.

Worst Movie: Black Snake Moan. Quite honestly I thought this movie had potential. Despite the fact that Sam Jackson appears in at least 800 movies a year I still basically give any movie he is in a chance. Throw in Christina Ricci and you have an amazing cast that usually brings the goods. Unfortunately the movie that had so much potential to serve as a metaphor for addiction and overcoming clearly just came across as a movie created specifically to see Christina Ricci naked and beaten severely as much as possible.

Favorite Movie: Borat. From the country bumpkin claiming that Borat should save his mustache in an effort to not appear to be a terrorist Muslim, and perhaps "pass as one of the EYEtalians" to the drunken frat boys acting like...well drunken frat boys, the beauty of this movie is that these people are real and it showcases the ignorance and bigotry we would like to pretend doesn't exist any longer in the country.

Most Surprisingly Good Movie: Bowfinger. All I have ever heard was how much this movie sucks. However I wound up enjoying it greatly. Admittedly this one you kinda have to be a movie buff to get all the jokes in it but they are still there, it's just a shame we live in a society where we expect the jokes to be blatant and over the top.

Most Surprisingly Bad Movie: A Bee Movie. Jerry Seinfeld what the hell were you thinking? Could you have fit MORE Bee related puns and play on words into an hour and a half? Yes I know it's a kids movie but come on! I haven't seen this much cheese and bad puns since that those horrible Flintstones movies. You could have done so much better, and yet here you are being horrible.

Most Surprising Movie I Don't Own: Bourne Ultimatum. I love the first one, I thought the second one was confusing and had way too much shaky cam though I wound up enjoying it more on my second viewing at home. I loved Ultimatum when I saw it in theaters. I am also a completest when it comes to series of movies so why don't I own this one?

Why In The HECK Do I Own: Blankman. This one I honestly do not even remember buying. It's just kinda always been on my shelf. I will admit to seeing it before and laughing a little. I was 14 most likely and as we all know most 14 year olds should NEVER be allowed to make entertainment choices. Still I sat there and I watched, and the entire time I thought to myself why did I buy this? I am not a Wayans Brothers fan. I only laughed when I was realizing just how stupid this is. Well I also laughed heartily at Derek and Kurt's reactions to watching this drivel with me as well. Though let's be honest, after watching the trailer below I am still not convinced this movie is real AND I OWN IT.


Alright that's all I've got for you today, the letter C is next and thankfully it's a little shorter than the last two groups.

I swear I didn't write this

but I certainly do this most of the time -

I'm not sure why I am such a horrible person but I most definitely think that I am. Not horrible enough that people should worry for my sanity, or anything like that. I just feel that as they say your thoughts dictate our actions, and inside my head I am a horrible, horrible person. I see people's flaws and I ridicule them for things they can't control. The first thing I do when I meet someone, the very first thing, is I find something about them that I am better than them at just to boost my own personal self worth. If there is nothing I make something up. Quite simply inside my head I am a horrible, horrible person.

Now outside my mind is a totally different story. On the outside I am kind, considerate, thoughtful, honest to a fault, creative, funny, caring, and many other great things. Outside my head I am a good person. Sure I have moments when I let the inside come out and hang out with the outside but for the most part they are night and day.

So my question to you is which one is the real me? I know which one I think it is (the one who is good, with a tinge of horrible jerk, the one that will think horrible things about you but try to look past them and still care enough about you to help you when you need it. That would be me, to me.), but I want to hear what you think.

Sick and tired

Alright I love my job, really I do. I get to hang out and watch sports all day. I get to read articles about sports and discuss sports with the few people who come into my store throughout the day. As a red blooded American male there is no way I could possibly complain about this job. And then this man happened -
Now as a sports fan I love Griffey. He was clean in an era where everyone else was dirty. He put Seattle baseball on the map. There are so many different reasons why people love him. I am not here to argue them. I'm just saying I am tired to hearing about them. See if you follow sports here in Seattle you would know that Griffey up there is a free agent. It would seem every single person who follows the Mariners either wants Griffey back or would like him to go away because his defense isn't great and his skills have greatly diminished in the 9 years he has been away from Seattle due to injury and the fact that he is approximately 9 billion years old. For the last 5 days the Seattle Times has been reporting that Griffey is coming back. Everything was set. He just needed to get a physical and finish up with a Pro Am golf tournament and he would be with the team posthaste. This got the aforementioned Mariner fans excited and this excitement brought them to my store and asking repeatedly when he was going to be with us and when we were going to sell #24 shirts and jerseys. Truth be told the idea of actually being busy this season thanks to the increased ticket sales Griffey would bring in got my hopes up and I waited for an email from the front office telling us the deal was done.

And then Atlanta became interested. Now it's a battle between two locations and captain indecisive can't be bothered to just make a choice and stick with it. It seems every single hour he's going to Atlanta, then Seattle, then Atlanta, then Seattle etc. etc. etc. I'm just tired of it all. At this point I really don't care about the added work or the increased ticket sales. I just want him to sign somewhere. ANYWHERE. He could decide he wanted to play basketball and sign with the Chicago Bulls and I would barely have the energy to fake yawn in enthusiasm. That's how little I care about this man who everyone can't seem to stop talking about.

So today, the day we are supposed to actually get a resolution to this madness I have decided I am not going to talk about it*. If you try to talk to me about my feelings or my thoughts or to try and get inside information that I don't have I will punch you in the face. HARD. You have already read my feelings on this and you know everything that I know. Until there is a press release sent out by either the Braves or the Mariners I really don't care.


*Yes i realize this blog post counts as talking about it but I needed to vent and explain myself so I am not going to count it against me.

This is why I shouldn't teach (also why I probably should)

So last Sunday I taught Elder's Quorum. Normally this isn't a bad thing. I greatly enjoy teaching and talking about the various topics and I will be honest, unless I am leading the discussion there is very little chance I will actually participate. Not because I don't want to but because I feel like there are others in class with a greater understanding of the church than I could even dream to achieve and I hate sounding stupid. I always accept when someone calls me to ask me to teach regardless of the subject (which would be why I have taught the law of Chastity 3 times in 3 years).

I should have turned down this one though.

The lesson was on apostasy and how to keep ourselves from falling away from the church and following the leaders. Unfortunately the only way I could think to conduct this discussion was to reveal far too much of myself and my life. I had to talk about the apostasy of my father, my mother, and myself.

I didn't use the manual at all. One doesn't really need one when they have so much rich personal experience to draw from.

I don't want to get into it here, mostly because if you're reading this you probably already know the story, however I am instead going to use this post to thank those of you who helped remind me why I love the gospel so much and give me the strength to continue going. Here are just some of your names in no particular order -

Dean
Mark Johnson
Kurt Kaiser
Aimee Elber
Sandra Brand
Lynette, Dick, Margaret, Anna, Jared, Ira, and Leah Young.
Liz Allen
Ian Jones
Kai Jones
Rob Schunk
Morgan Dipo
Derek Child
Nickie Hugie
Jared Rorher
Allen & Carla Bushman
Rachael Knudsen
John Farrell
Anita Farrell
Nick Andros
Brice Davis
Zach Wadsworth

If I left anyone off it's not because you don't mean anything to me, but rather because I wanted to keep it short. I want you to know that I love you all so very much and I know that without you to give me strength and leading the way as an example I know I would not be where I am today. Just knowing you and the love you have for me despite my screw ups makes me want to be a better person.

Thank you for loving me and I want you to know I love you too.

I may not have a girlfriend...

But I do have some amazing friends. For the last 3 years I have developed a tradition of sorts when it comes to Valentine's Day. See because I am chronically single on this date I have decided I needed something to take my mind off the unspeakable horror that is being single. Thanks to a wonderful little restaurant here in Seattle I think I have found just the thing. I present to you the Grande Burrito -


Hailing from Gordito's Healthy Mexican food (proof that Mexicans are HUGE fans of irony and sarcasm) weighing in at around 4 lbs, y what you are seeing is a Grande Carne Asada wet Fajita style Burrito and is most regularly said to be the size of a baby. Every year I get some of my closest male friends together and we try our best to consume the beast in an effort to forget those girls that have broken our hearts. As I was over heard saying, if the way to a man's heart is through his stomach we were going to clog that hole with burrito. Some highlights from this year are:

• This was the first year a woman was allowed to join us. However I don't think the rule was violated since technically Nickie didn't eat anything, she just wanted to see if anyone could eat it all. Plus she's engaged so she really isn't a woman anymore.

• Also a first was this was the first time I allowed someone to not get a burrito. Ty drove us and he's not a fan of the burrito so I let him get whatever. I feel like he lived up to the challenge since it seems EVERYTHING there is enormous portions.

• Kurt however forgot to say grande when ordering his burrito so he received Gordito's normal sized burrito, or as he referred to it "the 5 month old aborted fetus burrito". It's comments like that that are why I love Kurt.

• Once again I was the only one who managed to eat the entire thing. I don't know why I am so proud of this feat but it really does make me happy. Clearly I am a sick man and should you ever hear me complain about being fat (not making light of it for laughs there is a difference) remind me that I need to shut up because it's because of crap like this that I am fat in the first place.

So I am thankful for all of my friends and their willingness to spend time with me and bond with me in such a weird and odd manner. You guys really help me stay sane when I could have gone off the deep end a long time ago.

That being said - I really do hope I don't get to do this next year.

It finally happened

Well to be exact I kinda thought it would happen, but I didn't think it would happen so SOON. remember that little new year's resolution I have? The one where I want to watch every movie I have in Alphabetical order? Yeah well I have watched my way through Batman Begins, which is good since it is so far into my list that I am still on pace to get this accomplished in time. Or I should say, I would be still on pace if I hadn't become me recently.

Let me explain. Since the inception of the movies challenge I have seen 16 movies. That was a great pace with me owning just 119 right? Just a little over 100 movies to go and not even a quarter of the way through the year.

Well I now own 135 movies.

In the last month and a half I have added 16 movies to my collection. I am back to square one!!!!!! Honestly I knew that I was going to be adding movies to my collection throughout the year. I even discussed it with the rules. I just didn't realize the freakish pace with which I would be adding movies to my collection. That's an average of 2.67 movies purchased a week! At this pace I will wind up adding a little over 144 movies to my collection by the end of the year. that's insane! What's worse is I am not sure I can stop myself. I mean my favorite thing to do is go to an electronic store or a video store and find cheap movies that I absolutely love and that I need to add to my collection. It's ingrained in me to ask for movies for holidays or birthdays. It is the one thing people know I would appreciate as a gift, almost as much as money.

So of all those people who questioned why I made such a silly resolution one good thing has already happened because of this silly resolution. I have discovered I have a problem. I knew it existed but I did not know the extent of it. Now that I am aware there is only one thing I can do. I need to control my spending specifically I need to stop buying DVD's. This does not mean you are not allowed to give them to me, I will always accept new movies from friends or complete strangers. Will I actually be able to do this? Probably not, but it is worth a shot.

On a side note her is a short list of movies I have decided I need to own that I don't. Feel free to get them for me.

Ocean's Eleven
Ocean's Twelve
Ocean's Thirteen
Conan the barbarian
Predator
Silence of the Lambs
Fight Club
I,Robot
Castaway
The Abyss
Robocop
Commando
Black.White.
Man On The Moon
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Forrest Gump
Batman (Tim Burton)
Batman Returns
Pineapple Express
The Exorcist
Terminator
Terminator 3
Transformers
The terminal
Gremlins
The orphanage
In bruges
Son of rambow
Choke
Frost/Nixon
The Wackness
Slumdog millionaire
Close encounters
Toy story
Toy story 2
The fall
Iron man
Band of brothers
Wall-e
When Harry Met Sally
300
Braveheart
2001: A Space Odyssey
Zoolander
Godfather Trilogy
Lethal Weapon 4
Spinal Tap
Animal House
Blues Brothers
Airplane!
Good Will Hunting
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
40 year Old Virgin
Elf
Star Wars Saga
The Two Towers
The Return of the King
Chasing Amy
Dogma
Mallrats
Jersey Girl
Zach & Miri Make a Porno
Sixteen candles
American graffiti
Back to the future trilogy
Indiana jones quadrilogy
Aliens
Wizard of Oz
Stardust
X-Men Trilogy
Willow
Bourne Trilogy

I think it's lists like this that caused me to have this problem in the first place.

A letter to you

Dear reader,

Hi how are you? I'm fine. Did you have a fun Christmas? I always enjoy the holidays. So I have been wondering something for awhile now, since i started this blog really, why do you read it? I mean I know why I write it but I don't really understand entirely why someone would read it. I write because I hate writing in a journal but I need a place to write my inane and trivial thoughts. I write for the attention I get with every passing post. I write because I don't really have anything better to do and so I tend to ramble a bit (a lot if you ask Mark). I mean I realize you read this because I'm your friend and you love me and blah blah blah but why do you come back? Especially for those of you who read it from the beginning. I mean there was a stretch where I kinda forgot this thing existed, I would have figured you would have too, but no you have diligently continued reading my bogus and often incoherent posts.

Is it because I'm funny? I mean I have been told I have the second funniest blog out there (thanks Sarah, you're the second funniest Sarah I know) so that could be it. However it would appear if that is your destination should be Megan Belcher's blog for it is "the funniest blog out there" - Sarah K.

Is it because you hold out hope that I will say something poignant and deep? I hate to disappoint you but I am about as deep as the kiddie pool and just as filthy. Go read Mark or Kristin's blog if you want poignant and deep with a hint of confusing.

Is it because I delete posts you thought would be interesting when they showed up in your reader but when you got there it was nothing? Oh wait I don't do that, that would be Derek.

Do you like my cheery disposition in all that I do, while also enjoying my quirky design? Oops that's Sarah Hammond.

Also if you are looking for updates on my children and the rest of the family there's like 17 blogs to the right there that would be better fit since I rarely talk about my imaginary children since I wind up looking crazy.

I could keep going on reasons I think you might be reading this (you're looking for new and inventive ways to call someone fat perhaps?) but instead I will go with why I think you actually are reading this (confused? It's simple those other ones were jokes. Were they funny? No? this would be why I am in second.)

You are my close friends. According to the 2 separate site monitors I have on this blog the majority of my readers are in Seattle. Of the ones that are outside of Seattle they come from places I have either family or old friends that I have kept in contact with through facebook. You folks are awesome and I appreciate your reading.

You really like movie posters. I'd say during the holidays I got 3-4 hits a day from people looking for the posters that I used in my top 10 lists. I don't blame them they are awesome posters.

You actually DO find me funny. I don't think a social event goes by that I don't hear from someone telling me they love my blog and how funny it is. recently I had at least 7 people tell me they wanted to punch the poor old Asian lady in the face for calling me fat. I'm once again thankful for all the support in my writing as I surprisingly enough put a lot of thought and effort into these blog posts and I am grateful that the effort is worth it.

You want to get to know me better. Well folks you have come to the right place on that one. The only place I talk more about the intricacies of my feelings and my daily life is on Twitter. Normally my stories would be shared with a small few but through this blog and twitter I have an outlet for them to share them with everyone. The only thing missing is my outrageously loud voice shouting without realizing I am shouting. You would be surprised how many people don't miss that.

You actually have patience and love my long-windedness. Some people (Mark) have grown accustomed to the insanely short writings of Kristin, Megan, and many others. Unfortunately I never really know when to stop and as such my blogs are very, VERY long. And honestly I am happy about that. All my favorite blog writers write long entries. Matt at x-entertainment.com is an excellent example of the type or writer I try to model myself after. Sorry if you don't like this but unfortunately for you I don't plan on changing any time soon.

Anyway those are my ideas as for why you read, though I really want to know honestly why you read. Unfortunately I know most of you won't comment because either you are shy or you would rather tell me in person, and that's fine. However you know what's fun? Using the comment sections. I really hate to have to plug my own comment section but it's kinda bare. I want it to be full. So please, just this once, comment here. I want to hear from you, all of you. If for no other reason than it gives me a better idea as to who is reading this. Either way I love all of you, but I love the ones that comment even more.

Sincerely,
Allen


P.S. Okay maybe this one is a LITTLE long.

For those still seething with rage

In a rather anticlimactic conclusion to my recent bouts with fatists I had another discussion with the kindly old Asian woman today. This time she came into my store, I'll be honest when I say I didn't even recognize her though we had been bitter rivals less than a week ago. Stuttering through her words she wound up explaining her actions and apologizing for the misunderstanding. It turns out there was another guy who used to work at my store, or nearby or something, that would joke with her and she would joke back and have a grand old time. Either she thought I was him, or she thought because he did it then everyone does it and it was okay. I then explained my feelings and that the fact that she came over to see me and apologize in person meant a great deal to me, and that now that I was aware of where she was coming form and that she didn't mean it that it was all water under the bridge and all was forgiven. She then urged me to continue to eat at Rice and Roll, and was admittedly quite adorable in doing so. And with that I told her I would because I do enjoy their food and was not planning on stopping anytime soon.

Surprisingly enough this woman who just 5 days earlier had caused me so much grief and anger over a simple miscommunication now had me smiling and happy in a day where nothing else had gone right. It's amazing what honesty and sincerity can cause.