It's hard out there when your life is so easy

So I have had a lot of time off recently. No my hours haven't been cut, I just managed to go 6 days and only working 13 hours. In all this time I have had a lot of time to think about things. My life is pretty easy going. I have zero complaints. None. The hardest thing I have to "deal" with is being responsible and growing as a person, and honestly that isn't too hard. And yet, I can't seem top bring myself to smile lately. It's not that I am depressed, I just don't have anything to smile for. It's like this conversation I had with Aimee last week, I was having a rough day due to a lot of my friends having a rough day/week/afternoon and the emotional toll it took on me was rough. She asked me if I was happy. I told her the fact that they (meaning the friends who came to cheer me up) were happy I was happy. She reiterated her question, "but Allen, are YOU happy?"

I didn't have an answer.

As I mentioned in passing in my last blog I seem to have forgotten how to feel. I have detached myself so much from everything and everyone through my constant complaining, joking, teasing, and a general "I don't care" malaise that I simply have a hard time grasping my own feelings and claiming them as my own. Sure I have my moments, when I'm making dinner for friends, when I am spending time with those I care about, or when I am coerced into baring my testimony in church by a great friend. But I can't figure out how to hold onto those feelings. What's the point of being happy when you are alone? Why bother smiling when you're at a computer, or waiting for the bus? Why waste the energy being upset when said bus is late? Or the people at the store are rude? Why should that effect my life at all? Simply put what's the point of emotions when you have no one to share them with?

I don't want to end this making you think I'm depressed or sad, because I'm not. Every single day there is always something, or someone that makes me remember the point of feelings. Even if it is just a simple joke stolen from a movie that very few people have seen. But the moments are there, and I am recognizing them more and more, and I haven't lost hope that I will eventually find someone who makes me happy even when they aren't there.

I smiled today, and that's a start.

This is why I shouldn't teach (also why I probably should)

So last Sunday I taught Elder's Quorum. Normally this isn't a bad thing. I greatly enjoy teaching and talking about the various topics and I will be honest, unless I am leading the discussion there is very little chance I will actually participate. Not because I don't want to but because I feel like there are others in class with a greater understanding of the church than I could even dream to achieve and I hate sounding stupid. I always accept when someone calls me to ask me to teach regardless of the subject (which would be why I have taught the law of Chastity 3 times in 3 years).

I should have turned down this one though.

The lesson was on apostasy and how to keep ourselves from falling away from the church and following the leaders. Unfortunately the only way I could think to conduct this discussion was to reveal far too much of myself and my life. I had to talk about the apostasy of my father, my mother, and myself.

I didn't use the manual at all. One doesn't really need one when they have so much rich personal experience to draw from.

I don't want to get into it here, mostly because if you're reading this you probably already know the story, however I am instead going to use this post to thank those of you who helped remind me why I love the gospel so much and give me the strength to continue going. Here are just some of your names in no particular order -

Dean
Mark Johnson
Kurt Kaiser
Aimee Elber
Sandra Brand
Lynette, Dick, Margaret, Anna, Jared, Ira, and Leah Young.
Liz Allen
Ian Jones
Kai Jones
Rob Schunk
Morgan Dipo
Derek Child
Nickie Hugie
Jared Rorher
Allen & Carla Bushman
Rachael Knudsen
John Farrell
Anita Farrell
Nick Andros
Brice Davis
Zach Wadsworth

If I left anyone off it's not because you don't mean anything to me, but rather because I wanted to keep it short. I want you to know that I love you all so very much and I know that without you to give me strength and leading the way as an example I know I would not be where I am today. Just knowing you and the love you have for me despite my screw ups makes me want to be a better person.

Thank you for loving me and I want you to know I love you too.

Lyrics to my soul

Every so often you come across a song that touches your heart and reaches into your soul and speaks for you when you don't have the words to do it yourself. Thank you Common.

THE LIGHT by Common

Yeah..
Doo-doo-doo, mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm..
Doo-doo-d-doo, diggy-doo
YO..

I never knew a luh, luh-luh, a love like this
Gotta be somethin for me to write this
Queen, I ain't seen you in a minute
Wrote this letter, and finally decide to send it
Signed sealed delivered for us to grow together
Love has no limit, let's spend it slow forever
I know your heart is weathered by what studs did to you
I ain't gon' assault em cause I probably did it too
Because of you, feelings I handle with care
Some niggaz recognize the light but they can't handle the glare
You know I ain't the type to walk around with matchin shirts
If relationship is effort I will match your work
I wanna be the one to make you happiest, and hurt you the most
They say the end is near, it's important that we close.... to the most, high
Regardless of what happen on him let's rely

There are times.. when you'll need someone..
I will be by your side..
There is a light, that shines,
special for you, and me..

Yo, yo, check itIt's important, we communicate
and tune the fate of this union, to the right pitch
I never call you my bitch or even my boo
There's so much in a name and so much more in you
Few understand the union of woman and man
And sex and a tingle is where they assume that it land
But that's fly by night for you and the sky I write
For in these cold Chi night's moon, you my light
If heaven had a height, you would be that tall
Ghetto to coffee shop, through you I see that all
Let's stick to understandin and we won't fall
For better or worse times, I hope to me you call
So I pray everyday more than anything
friends will stay as we begin to lay
this foundation for a family - love ain't simple
Why can't it be anything worth having you work at annually
Granted we known each other for some time
It don't take a whole day to recognize sunshine

There are times.. when you'll need someone..
I will be by your side, oh darling
There is a light, that shines,
special for you, and me..

Yeah.. yo, yo, check it
It's kinda fresh you listen to more than hip-hop
and I can catch you in the mix from beauty to thrift shop
Plus you ship hop when it's time to, thinkin you fresh
Suggestin beats I should rhyme to
At times when I'm lost I try to find you
You know to give me space when it's time to
My heart's dictionary defines you, it's love and happiness
Truthfully it's hard tryin to practice abstinence
The time we committed love it was real good
Had to be for me to arrive and it still feel good
I know the sex ain't gon' keep you, but as my equal
it's how I must treat you
As my reflection in light I'ma lead you
And whatever's right, I'ma feed you
Digga-da, digga-da, digga-da, digga-digga-da-da
Yo I tell you the rest when I see you, peace

There are times.. when you'll need someone..
I will be by your side..
There is a light, that shines,
special for you, and me..

(I'll) take my chances.. before they pass....
pass me by, oh darling..
You need to look at the other side..
You'll agree..