So I have had a lot of time off recently. No my hours haven't been cut, I just managed to go 6 days and only working 13 hours. In all this time I have had a lot of time to think about things. My life is pretty easy going. I have zero complaints. None. The hardest thing I have to "deal" with is being responsible and growing as a person, and honestly that isn't too hard. And yet, I can't seem top bring myself to smile lately. It's not that I am depressed, I just don't have anything to smile for. It's like this conversation I had with Aimee last week, I was having a rough day due to a lot of my friends having a rough day/week/afternoon and the emotional toll it took on me was rough. She asked me if I was happy. I told her the fact that they (meaning the friends who came to cheer me up) were happy I was happy. She reiterated her question, "but Allen, are YOU happy?"
I didn't have an answer.
As I mentioned in passing in my last blog I seem to have forgotten how to feel. I have detached myself so much from everything and everyone through my constant complaining, joking, teasing, and a general "I don't care" malaise that I simply have a hard time grasping my own feelings and claiming them as my own. Sure I have my moments, when I'm making dinner for friends, when I am spending time with those I care about, or when I am coerced into baring my testimony in church by a great friend. But I can't figure out how to hold onto those feelings. What's the point of being happy when you are alone? Why bother smiling when you're at a computer, or waiting for the bus? Why waste the energy being upset when said bus is late? Or the people at the store are rude? Why should that effect my life at all? Simply put what's the point of emotions when you have no one to share them with?
I don't want to end this making you think I'm depressed or sad, because I'm not. Every single day there is always something, or someone that makes me remember the point of feelings. Even if it is just a simple joke stolen from a movie that very few people have seen. But the moments are there, and I am recognizing them more and more, and I haven't lost hope that I will eventually find someone who makes me happy even when they aren't there.
I smiled today, and that's a start.