3.25.2009

Oh my gosh she was right

So many moons ago I got into an argument with an ex of mine. She claimed I didn't talk to her. I claimed she was clearly not paying attention and had never met me because I never shut up. Clearly I was right. I mean all I ever do is talk. I talk movies, I talk sports, I talk movies. I even talk about sports. I couldn't figure out what she was talking about. Today it hit me and I am not even sure why. She didn't mean I never talked, she meant I never talk about anything important. I never talk about me. I never let her in. She was right.

It isn't just her, I do this with everyone. I doubt I have a relationship that goes beyond me listening, waiting patiently to interject a punchline. I avoid talking about me with the over use of the words fine, okay, alright. My moods and feelings often get pushed to the back burner to be ignored in favor of listening and trying too hard to be funny, to be liked. Any website that I am a member of where I am supposed to write an about me section it's filled with basic trivial things about me or snide jokes that tell absolutely zero about who I am. Well today I am going to change that. I'm just going to write about me and maybe educate you on who I am and what type of trouble you got yourself into by becoming my friend. Don't worry it will be ridiculously long winded and you will grow tired of it quickly if you haven't already. I wouldn't want to stray far from my typical writing style.

  • I was born June 1st, 1980 in Walla Walla, WA
  • I have lived in 5 towns since I was born.
  • my parents divorced when I was 7.
  • since then my dad has remarried.
  • I am an only child, aka Mormon oddity.
  • In the 2nd grade I wrote all of my spelling words backwards in order to impress a girl. When my mom came home from talking to my teacher about this my excuse was that "I forgot how to write."
  • my first girlfriend was named Missy Anderson in the 1st grade. I would walk her home from school every day for a month.
  • I didn't realize this made her my girlfriend until I met her kid sister in a playground many years later and she recognized me as her older sister's old boyfriend.
  • I had 3 different 4th grade classes.
  • My best friends growing up were Shawn Trieber and Tyler Simons.
  • I was able to read at a 4th grade level by the end of the 1st grade.
  • I hate reading because of that.
  • When I was little I would put puzzles together from the inside out instead of the outside in. This frustrated my mother to no end.
  • I own over 4,000 football cards.
  • I have been arrested for shoplifting 4 separate times. Once on my birthday.
  • I have very little memory of my childhood before the age of 8.
  • Both of my parents have been excommunicated from the church.
  • Only my mother got rebaptized though my dad made it a point to support me when I received the Melkezedek priesthood.
  • I have 2 sets of scriptures, they are both 10-15 years old though you wouldn't tell it by looking at them.
  • I use a baby picture as a bookmark in my scriptures because when I was younger I chewed out ones that came in them out of boredom.
  • I own a Lego Yoda that took me 3 days to put together.
  • Growing up I would alphabetize the video games at our local mom and pop video store just for fun, eventually the ladies that worked there would give me free rentals for all the work I did.
  • My mom enrolled me in the Boys & girls club for 3 straight summers. I hated it and would skip with Shawn and spend my lunch money at the local arcade.
  • The arcade was a front from drug dealers and we innocently just played video games all day oblivious to what was happening around us.
  • I could eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches every day of my life and be happy.
  • I love to cook but I hate to cook for just myself so I rarely do.
  • I have always had more friends that were younger than me than my own age or older.
  • When it comes to sports I am very superstitious. I once watched an entire half of a 49ers playoff game from the bathroom because the 49ers didn't start scoring until I went to the bathroom.
  • Speaking of the bathroom, when I was younger I would never pee in the toilet, but rather other odd places.
  • Some of the more interesting places I have peed: out my second floor window. My upstairs sink and the central heating vent in my room when I was 6.
  • I once split open a kids head by dropping a cinder block on him when I was 6.
  • I am amazing at eavesdropping.
  • I have eaten a 12 egg omelet in one sitting.
  • I have only kissed 3 girls.
  • I only remember 1 of their names.
  • The one I remember isn't my first kiss but rather my last.
  • I pretend I don't like hugs because it gets me more hugs.
  • I regret my Myspace blog.
  • I regret not breaking my no seconds dates rule sooner.
  • I have awkward and weird conversations with people late at night.
  • Because of that I think I shouldn't be allowed to talk to people beyond midnight.
  • I took swimming lessons until I was 11.
  • I never made it past the guppy level.
  • Guppies for the uninformed are the 2nd level of swimming lessons and roughly ages 5-6.
  • I still don't swim very well.
  • I have one tattoo that I received while drunk from my stoner friend who was also drunk at the time.
  • His tattoo gun was a motorized Bic pen filled with tattoo ink.
  • The only reason I haven't gotten it removed is to remind me that stupid things happen when you drink and/or get high.
  • I crave attention more than I crave food.
  • I make friends very easily.
  • It's keeping them I suck at.
  • I will argue with you for no reason whatsoever. It's fun for me.
  • I realize it is usually only fun for me and I don't care.
  • It's especially fun when I argue for something I don't even believe.
  • I once spent an entire hour arguing that the earth was shaped like a hockey puck.
  • I was in drama club for 2 years in high school and appeared in 5 performances.
  • I love making racially awkward comments while in the company of people who don't know me.
  • I lactate butter.
  • I owned a New Kids On the Block doll when I was a kid.
  • I also had their comic book and all of their albums.
  • I would have willingly shared a bed with Michael Jackson simply because of Thriller.
  • My first R rated movie that I saw was Commando. My dad took me to see it.
  • I didn't live on my own until I was 24.
  • I never felt stronger spiritually than I did in the Pasco 7th Branch.
  • tried out for the highs school football team 3 separate years.
  • I quit 2 days in every year because it was too hard.
  • I was a member of 3 separate graduating classes, '98, '99, and 2000.
  • I don't think I would be a member of the church if it wasn't for that 6th year of high school and Liz Allen.
  • I can't sleep unless there is some noise.
  • I wish I had been the one to have MS and not my mom.
  • I don't regret not serving a mission because I realize now how important those 2 years after high school were for my mom.
  • One of my most prized possessions is a bank in the shape of a monkey carved out of a coconut.
  • I often forget that it's important to feel.
  • I love rap music, but as I have grown up I have become picky about who I listen to.
  • I am the very definition of a curmudgeon.
  • I am an emotional sponge. If you are happy I am happy, if you are sad I am sad.
  • I am horrible on the phone and would much rather just text you about anything.
  • I send and receive about6,000 texts a month.
  • I once stayed up late at night throwing ninja stars at the walls and ceiling of my friend's room. His mom was so mad she kicked me out of the house and wouldn't even let me come over to help repair the damages.
  • I used to think my dad was a ninja.
  • Turns out he was just a nerd with a fascination with the martial arts and their weapons.
  • I spent a large portion of my childhood in therapy.
  • None of it helped as much as having a blog.
  • When I am scared I make horrible jokes to hide my pain.
  • I meant horrible in them being inappropriate or mean, not bad or not funny.
  • In fact I think that is when I am funniest.
  • I am a professional wrestling fan.
  • I am such a pro wrestling fan that I have been to at least a dozen live shows including Wrestlemania.
  • Yes I know it's not real, guess what? I don't care.
  • Despite all of the horrible things to happen to me in my life I would not change any of them.
  • I love my job and I can't see me working anywhere else.
  • I know more about you than you probably realize.
  • I will not apologize for being a democrat just as I don't expect you to apologize for being a republican.
  • That being said I also never, ever EVER want to talk politics with any of you. I really don't care all that much.
  • I am not afraid to quote blogs I read and claim their thoughts as my own if I agree with them.
  • I make horrible first impressions, but if you look past them I make amazing 3rd and 4th impressions.
  • I own over $100 in hair product.
  • I rarely use any of it.
  • it bothers me when people I know see me in ugly clothes that don't fit right.
  • I always have to stop and look at myself in a mirror when I see one.
  • I own over 50 different ties.
  • I have over 9,800 twitter updates.
  • I am actually proud of that.
  • I constantly afraid I won't have the approval and love of my family.
  • I found my mom laying in a pool of her own vomit in the 4th grade and dialed 9-1-1.
  • I was actually calm and at ease with them and they were able to save her.
  • I still wish I had done more.
  • I don't think I would be as funny as I am if it wasn't for my father.
  • I have had complete conversations consisting of only George Carlin quotes and laughter.
  • When I started going to RHS I spent lunch waiting outside my math class waiting for lunch to be over for 2 months before I had any friends.
  • I secretly hated all the friends I had that year and yet I tried ridiculously hard to fit in with them.
  • How I made friends in High School: One night I stayed up really late and got the idea to tape a piece of paper to my chest and see how many people would stop and read it.
  • The paper said "Yes, my good luck paper is working, beautiful women are staring at me."
  • people laughed, and as a result I did the same thing every day for 3 months with different sayings from George Carlin's book "Brain Droppings" on them.
  • I told people they were my own so they would like me.
  • I'm convinced most of them just felt sorry for me.
  • I know all of the words to most Outkast songs and will sing along with them as soon as I hear them regardless of who is around.
  • I contend the funniest word in the English language is "Monkey".
  • I once laughed for 3 hours straight because of the name Tutankhamen.
  • No I wasn't high.
  • I still don't know why I thought that was funny.
  • I did stand up comedy for the seminary talent show the year I graduated.
  • I had my seminary teacher read my jokes to okay them for a church audience.
  • Surprisingly he approve of them.
  • Later on he told me he didn't think they were funny on paper and he was worried I was going to look stupid. But he really enjoyed them when I actually performed my routine.
  • They were all jokes I stole from lesser known comedians I love.
  • My cousin still talks about that night with great pride.
  • he was convinced I was going to say something crass and inappropriate.
  • I still perform these jokes when there is a talent show.
  • I have 3 different families that I belong to.
  • My favorite celebrities to meet are comedians, they have always been so kind and gracious and humble about who they are.
  • I wish I gave more money to the homeless men and women I see at night.
  • I have broken 3 sofas and a table because of my weight.
  • just the thought of that makes me want to live on a diet of laxatives and diet pills.
  • If a DVD comes in an awkwardly shaped box, I WILL BUY IT.
  • Over 1/3rd of my movies are movies I have never seen before.
  • I have abandonment issues because of my relationship with my father.
  • I have a fear of intimacy because of my father.
  • I love my father and I still want to be just like him when I become a parent.
  • That last one scares me.
  • I buy expensive things in order to get people to like me.
  • I love the Town House Flipside Cracker, and it makes me cry when my grocery store doesn't carry them.
  • If you think Dane Cook is funny we are not friends.
  • I never buy more than a day's worth of groceries at the store.
  • I hate processed foods and I will try to use fresh produce as often as possible.
  • I judge people by their movie collections.
  • I own a copy of Blankman.
  • I am intimidated by the people in Gospel principles class because they are more scripturally astute compared to me.
  • My testimony is the greatest gift I have ever received.
  • I am selfish though and I hate sharing it with others for fear it isn't strong enough.
  • I cried at my mother's baptism when my Cousin Rob sang I Am a Child of God by himself because I was too self righteous to sing with him.
  • I hate that song because of that day and how I acted.
  • I have no idea how to end this.

5 comments:

demonforeveryday said...

I am happy to say that I read the entire thing!

Dericho said...

I can't believe I read the whole thing.

Leah said...

I hate Dane Cook AND I judge people by their movie selections, too!

Austin said...

Allen I loved this post! I was only going to skim thru a few, but you hooked me in and I read them all. I love you man.

smiles :) said...

I love being right :) Thank you for all of that, though I disagree with one point (yeah, only one, weird eh? guess I don't like to argue as much as some folks.. ;)- I think you would get many many MORE hugs if you told people you actually liked them.. You're a huggable kind of guy, but the whole, "I hate hugs and don't touch me" glare is a bit intimidating. Just a thought. Thank you for sharing all of that, you're way braver than I am.