I'm not dead

I just haven't blogged in a good long while. It's not because I don't love you my dear, dear readers. No it's because nothing really interesting has happened to me. Life's little complications have come and gone with nary a reason to rant, or rave. Sure my Twitter account got hacked and as a result @allenbrand has been suspended until they can rationalize that perhaps someone with an account for over 2 years and over 12,000 updates isn't a spammer but instead just a victim. Apparently that takes 30 days minimally despite it being the most blatantly obvious miscarriage of justice this side of Rowe v. Wade. (I have no idea what Rowe v. Wade is. I am assuming it has something to do with using a rowboat or swimming).

That's really it though. And when your Twitter account being suspended is the biggest event in your life.... well you're just pretty danged boring and there is no reason to blog about anything.

My room is approximately 130 degrees right now. Is that blog worthy? No? Dang. I was really hoping I could make this less boring.

So here is my to do list for the remainder of this week. Maybe there is something interesting in here.

1. Karaoke tonight with Rachel, Jon, Dean, and some other fine folks I don't know. Should be a great time. I wonder how long I can withstand Jon's torture before I cave and sing.
2. Work, work, and more work. I work every day this week and as a result, I am going to most likely miss out on an amazing party being thrown by the Pearce Sisters this Friday. It's days like this that I miss driving. Have fun ladies.
3. Saturday has officially been booked by Dean. I have no idea what we are doing but it's going to be fun, relaxing, and great to see her more regularly since she is moving back to Seattle.
4. Mancakes. I have already conquered the 12 egg omelet at Beth's. Now it is time my stomach took a road trip. Portland here we come. 1 small stack of mancakes. Each one is 13" around and about an inch thick. One would think such a magnificent feast would cost the blood of your first born child, but no! You can have 3 mancakes for the low price of $4.50! How can I not at least try and feast on this beast?

Yeah that's all I have. For the most part my goal is to stay cool, and out of the heat while still having fun. Hopefully I will succeed. And if not, well there's always next week.

I have finally found the love of my life

And wouldn't you know it I found her in a grocery store.


I was doing some late night shopping as I am prone to doing since the store is so close to my house. I was dressed like a slob which again I am very prone to doing when it's late and I'm shopping. I didn't even do my hair, and if any of you know me I never leave the house without doing my hair. I figured I just needed to run in and grab some things then head home and eat. And then I turned down the snack isle and I saw HER. She was a red head, which is my kryptonite. She was also short but I was able to look past that because the majesty of her beauty was something I had never beheld before, and doubt I would ever see again. She seemed like a little mixed ethnicity beauty though I couldn't put my finger on which ones. It didn't matter though I had no words for her as for once I couldn't talk.Sheepishly I walked past her wishing I had the courage to speak.

As it is with any grocery store romance her visage haunted me every isle I went. Ice Cream, she was there. Bakery, she was there. She even followed me to the cleaning isle. As i wandered over to the check out lane I realized in all the admiration of this beauty I forgot to pick up something in the snack isle that was imperative to the rest of my evening of watching movies. I headed back to the snack isle and once again she was there, just as radiant as before. It was fate. I had to talk to her. Mustering up all courage I could I walked up to her and said the only thing I could muster - "I want to take you home".

And she let me. After a quick journey through the checkout stand we ran across the street and entered in the back door because it was faster to get inside. Discarding and ignoring the groceries that seemed oh so important a mere hour ago I grabbed her and placed her on our counter. As I brought her to my lips I became overcome with bliss and a feeling of love that I had never thought possible. Oh the pleasures felt that evening with her in my arms. I will save you the details of our evening together in fear that you will think less of me for giving into my temptations but I will say I would never give up anything for those hours of pleasure we shared.

Every time I visit my grocery store now I keep an eye out for her. She hasn't been there but eventually I have faith that she will be soon enough.


Flipside crackers, I love you please come back to me.

I may not have a girlfriend...

But I do have some amazing friends. For the last 3 years I have developed a tradition of sorts when it comes to Valentine's Day. See because I am chronically single on this date I have decided I needed something to take my mind off the unspeakable horror that is being single. Thanks to a wonderful little restaurant here in Seattle I think I have found just the thing. I present to you the Grande Burrito -


Hailing from Gordito's Healthy Mexican food (proof that Mexicans are HUGE fans of irony and sarcasm) weighing in at around 4 lbs, y what you are seeing is a Grande Carne Asada wet Fajita style Burrito and is most regularly said to be the size of a baby. Every year I get some of my closest male friends together and we try our best to consume the beast in an effort to forget those girls that have broken our hearts. As I was over heard saying, if the way to a man's heart is through his stomach we were going to clog that hole with burrito. Some highlights from this year are:

• This was the first year a woman was allowed to join us. However I don't think the rule was violated since technically Nickie didn't eat anything, she just wanted to see if anyone could eat it all. Plus she's engaged so she really isn't a woman anymore.

• Also a first was this was the first time I allowed someone to not get a burrito. Ty drove us and he's not a fan of the burrito so I let him get whatever. I feel like he lived up to the challenge since it seems EVERYTHING there is enormous portions.

• Kurt however forgot to say grande when ordering his burrito so he received Gordito's normal sized burrito, or as he referred to it "the 5 month old aborted fetus burrito". It's comments like that that are why I love Kurt.

• Once again I was the only one who managed to eat the entire thing. I don't know why I am so proud of this feat but it really does make me happy. Clearly I am a sick man and should you ever hear me complain about being fat (not making light of it for laughs there is a difference) remind me that I need to shut up because it's because of crap like this that I am fat in the first place.

So I am thankful for all of my friends and their willingness to spend time with me and bond with me in such a weird and odd manner. You guys really help me stay sane when I could have gone off the deep end a long time ago.

That being said - I really do hope I don't get to do this next year.