Attention All readers, This just in:

I'm fat.

Now I will allow you all to regain your composure for a moment to grasp what I am saying. I get that I have more than just a few extra pounds on my already large frame. I get that I eat more than most, though interestingly enough most of that has more to do with my desire to not eat breakfast or dinner and instead just snack through the day and have one large meal in the middle as opposed to it having to do with me being fat. However over the last 2 days I have have conveniently enough two separate instances of people thinking I am not aware of my condition, or at least being giant asshats about it.

So yesterday my mom was in town for a doctor's appointment to meet with a surgeon to talk about gastric bypass surgery. See being fat is kinda genetic, though her size isn't really helped by her being almost completely wheelchair bound thanks to the MS she has had since I was 3. Because I am a good son I tagged along for moral support and to get myself as informed as I possibly could be about her potential surgery. Now I'm not going to get into the specifics of her condition or her surgery partially because this isn't a blog about her, and partially because it isn't my place to talk about her business. However I will say that I am very proud of her for taking the necessary steps she needs to loose some of the excess weight that is making her life so difficult right now and to try whatever she can actually do to remedy her obesity. I may not think surgery is the answer for her in her physical state but I will support her in trying to make her life easier. Sitting in on these meetings has also managed to influence me to not let myself get to the point where surgery is the only possible recourse to my own weight issues. I am still young and I can still do something about it. I have been walking about 1 mile and a half 5 times a week for almost a year, and recently I have been monitoring my caloric intake and limiting myself in my what I eat. I honestly have never felt as healthy and strong as I do right now. I no longer look at myself in the mirror and see someone ugly and repulsive. I see someone who is trying, and someone who is an amazing human being with room to improve.

And that is why I found what happened in that doctor's office so disheartening.

Now my mom is wheelchair bound so she already had a seat in the small office. I am always a big fan of sitting on the doctor's beds and playing with all the instruments so naturally with the bed available I sat on the bed and eventually after realizing this appointment was going to take a while I laid down. After the resident comes in and interviews my mom in comes the actual surgeon, and I am met with this comment "Oh hey you look like a patient!" with a chuckle and a laugh. This is a surgeon that only does Gastric Bypass surgery. His only patients are ridiculously overweight people. Now I know what he meant was that because of where I was located and the fact that I was laying on the bed I looked like a regular doctor's patient. HOWEVER to my ears all I heard was "Holy crap why am I not cutting open your belly and taking out 3/4ths of your stomach tubby?", it was dehumanizing and I was not pleased with this man that I was trusting my mother's life with. Thankfully he recommended my mother do the Lapband surgery instead of the gastric bypass because she can't really exercise and it would be pretty much useless for her, which means this jerkoff will not be performing her surgery. Let's hope the next doctor she meets with has a little bit better bedside manners.

Now today I returned back to work and after a few hours at work it became time for me to eat my lunch. Now in a mall there really isn't many options when it comes to healthy food to eat so i settled for the place I decided was the healthiest options in the mall, and quite frankly one of my favorites Rice and Roll a sushi place right across the corridor from my store. I get my usual bento box and half Kanimi roll and things are going pretty well. The people that work there are always so great to me. In fact there was a time when I became a regular there and they knew exactly what I was going to order and they started it before I even paid for it.

Today however was a different story.

The young guy behind the counter takes my order and then hands things off to the little Asian lady to make my sushi. I grab my utensils (I still don't know how to use chopsticks properly) and wait patiently for my food, when the kindly little Asian lady makes small talk with me. "You too big. You eat too much food." What? Was this really happening? Certainly they wouldn't insult a regular customer would they? these are all thoughts I had while she was making hand gestures just to make sure I knew she was calling me a lardass. "you shouldn't come here. You should save your money and not eat." Sure to her face I just laughed and pretended not to be hurt by her comments, but on the inside I was holding back from reaching over the counter and slapping her in the face. I would even use my giant mantits just to make her aware that I knew that I had them.

Never have I ever experienced so much dehumanizing behavior in a 24 hour span. Not even in middle school and rest assured I was fat then too. And yet I pressed on. I still walked home today and sure I was pissed and frustrated at the blatantly horrible behavior by this one little woman (am am giving the doctor a pass because clearly it was a misunderstanding on my part) I decided that once I write this blog and once I complain to her manager I'm not going to let it bother me and I am going to move on. I know I'm working on my problem and I know I am getting better. That is what is important, not what a few shortsighted individuals say or think about me as a person. There is no point in letting their comments get to me because they just don't know any better.

It's time I become the bigger man while trying to become a smaller man.


What I am missing from my life

Now as most everyone should know I am a big time pro Wrestling fan. I watch all 3 main WWE shows every week (though I will admit to fast forwarding the recordings most of the time) and I have been to 6 different live shows throughout my life (again the last one I went to was 6 years ago but it's hard to top Wrestlemania). Yes I know it's "fake" but I really don't care. I'm not in it for the fighting, but rather the drama and the absurdity of it all. Tonight while watching RAW I got into a brief conversation involving an aspect of the show that I realized something in my life was missing.

I need entrance music.

Now in the wrestling world the entrance music captures the character and the person coming to the ring. I have set forth to find the perfect song for myself that defines me as a person. Originally I had this big long idea of what I should say about going on a journey through my iTunes, but instead I am going to just cut directly to the chase, my new entrance music is "Big Poppa" by Notorious B.I.G.

Quite simply this song is amazing and try as you might I don't think you can deny just how "Me" it is. I mean I love a T-bone steak, Cheese eggs and Welch's Grape. It's PERFECT! I now make a humble request that if you have my phone number you make the chorus of this song my ringtone.

Oh and also while you are at it now it's your turn, what's your entrance music?


I need to see more live comedy

I love stand up comedy. Like seriously love it. I want to name my first two children (provided they are born 1 boy 1 girl) after Richard Pryor and George Carlin. I could sit and watch Comedy Central when they are doing day long runs of stand up specials all day long and never grow tired. I voted over 300 times for Kyle Cease in the Comedy Central Showdown. Every year I go to Bumbershoot, not for the bands but for the comedy line up. I have met and befriended many stand up comics in my life. Once I spent an entire evening hanging out with Nick Swardson watching an Iggy Pop concert. And yet aside from Bumbershoot I have only been to a total of maybe 5 stand up shows live. Tonight I saw Greg Behrendt at the Moore theater and he reminded me why I love it more. Here's what I don't get - Greg said that most comedians think Seattle is the place to go to do live comedy. And yet I never go. There are two GREAT local comedy clubs here in Seattle, and yet I haven't visited one in over a year. I think I am going to try and go to at least 2 more shows this year, and a couple of local shows. It's so much fun and while it's tricky to find a clean comic hopefully I will be able to find some so I can introduce some friends to this stuff.

Seriously go watch live comedy!


25 (actually 10 but I say a lot) random things about me

So i did this on my facebook a couple months ago but since then I have been tagged at least 3 times by other people so I thought I would take another stab and see just how interesting I can pretend my life is and see if I can come up with 25 NEW things you may not have known about me. I'm not gonna lie, these things are probably lame but it was fun to come up with. Also since I ramble so much there is no way I am going to get 25 of these things without boring you to death.

1. I hate the way I sound when I sing and yet there isn't a Sunday where I don't get invited to choir or told how wonderful my voice is. I am convinced all these people are tone deaf or just being nice. I mean I can't read music. I don't know my part. I just try to sing how I think it should sound. I have tried the choir thing (yes cute girls were involved they are my kryptonite) but I grew easily frustrated and spent the entire time wishing I sounded like the other guys in the group or at the very least understood and knew what I was doing which leads to me quitting the choir in an embarrassed mess.

2. I'm convinced my roommates hate me. Not necessarily a full blown I wish he was dead hate but more the block from my mind and pretend they don't exist in hopes that they go away kind of hate. Now this might be an issue to most people I can understand the situation enough to know that really it's okay. Our house has an interesting dynamic in that there is very little communication between roommates. For the most part I think I can actually manage to go 3 days without seeing a single roommate without much effort. And due to that it is very easy to assume I'm at work since I practically live there and my room isn't really around anyone else's it's easy to forget me when they are going to church or FHE or a party. Still it kinda sucks to be forgot.

3. I miss having a best friend. Now this is not a knock on Dean, she's still my best friend and I would do anything for her just as I know she would for me. No what I mean is I miss having that friend I can call at any moment and say "let's go do something." and then instead of being met with a cadre of excuses all you get back is "okay". I love my grown up best friend, she's amazing and I wouldn't change a single thing about her. What I miss is that childhood best friend. I don't have any brothers or sisters but I imagine it like that. You go everywhere together and everyone is surprised when they see you separated. I want what Sarah and Charity have. I may give them a hard time about it but it's mostly out of jealousy.

4. There are at least four girls that I can name off the top of my head that I would ask to marry me in a heartbeat if I thought there was even the slightest chance they would say yes. I don't have a girlfriend, as should be painfully obvious by the amount of movies I have the time to watch, but I do have a lot of very close female friends. I don't know how, or why they choose to be my friend but honestly they are so very amazing that I wouldn't have it any other way. That doesn't mean I wouldn't date them tomorrow if they asked, but rather that I want them to be the happiest they can possibly be and I know that isn't me, well not me beyond being their friend and watching out for them to make sure they find someone just as awesome as I am. I wouldn't want them to settle for anything but the best... well second best since clearly I'm too good for them ;).

5. the greatest compliment anyone could ever give me is that they think I'm funny. It's not that I don't love hearing about my hair, or my huge heart, or that they are impressed with my copious amounts of pointless movie knowledge but I find more joy in making people laugh than anything else. You can fake a smile, you can fake interest in whatever someone is talking about (I do both on a daily basis) but there is no faking a good hearty laugh. When you try to fake it everyone can tell it wasn't honest. Sure I try really hard to get that laugh but that's only because it means so much to me. Your approval and your love is really only valid to me through laughter because as I said it's the only thing that I can trust.

6. I kinda wish I was gay. No not because girls aren't into me (they are, just not the ones I am into) and not for the fashion sense (I have plenty of that thank you very much) but for the sense of community. As a white heterosexual male I have no NAACP, I have no LGBT support group. The best I have is the Klan and while I hate people, I don't hate loosely, but rather specifically. I hate the man on the bus who refuses to understand headphones not everyone who doesn't wear Chucks or some other group of people (see how I avoided race there? I'm a smart one.) Let's face it, what it boils down to is I'm lazy and I don't want to have to find friends with common interests, I just want to be born into it, if for no other reason than that means they can't kick me out.

7. I focus on the absurd to avoid the personal. Now what that means is if I keep my relationships superficial there is no chance of you getting to know the real me and being scared away or me getting too close. This is why I tease you. This is why we aren't close. There are very few people out there who know me. Who know the real me. And even with those few I still have secrets I haven't told you. My parents divorced when I was 7 and shortly there after my best friend/father was out of my life (I would like to point out that he was not a deadbeat dad, the child support was paid right up until I graduated high school and he loved me very much). I know it's cliche to blame things on divorce, and I know a lot of this isn't the divorce perhaps my stint in foster homes in the 4th grade had something to do with it or something else entirely, but the fact is I went from a very vocal and friendly kid (I once went door to door for 3 blocks asking parents if they had kids I could play with without my parents permission) to someone who let's people come to him. Now I'm still vocal but I don't actively search for friends, I just let them happen.

8. I have a new batch of guy friends every year. Here's a timeline for you of my close friends since I was 24. First there was Brice and then he got married, then Zach. Zach then went on a mission and Jared became my buddy. Then I moved to Seattle and Sean was my closest friend. After Sean spent his summer with his family it became Kurt and Mark's turn as my close friends. Now while I am close to Kurt and Mark still I have been spending more and more free time with Jon and some people in a different ward closer to my age. I can't really explain it but i have noticed the trend.

9. Conversely any female friends I have I stay pretty close with. My friend Kim from the Tri-Cities became really close over the 6 months before I moved to Seattle. She even helped me pack. I still send her texts and messages on facebook when I think about her just to see how she is doing. Mallory is another close friend that logic would dictate that her getting married and moving on with her life would prevent me from staying in contact with her but nope I still talk to her and check in on her baby belly. That's two examples though I am sure I could name a hundred more. I guess this is one reason why Number six up there will never happen huh?

10. (this one is going to be the last one, you're welcome) I wish I was more cultured. I'm doing small things to work on this goal, I'm reading more. I'm going to concerts, I'm catching more live entertainment as opposed to movies, I don't eat processed foods. I try to experience new and interesting meals when I do eat out or when I cook at home. For so long I have lived a sheltered existence of my own doing and now I think it's time for me to live. What that means I am not entirely sure, but it's going to be fun to find out.


Let the record show

That I miss Mia already and she hasn't even officially left yet.

This makes up for a year and a half of not writing you right?


This post is brought to you by the letter A

Well I thought I would have had something interesting to talk about in between movie posts but it turns out no my life is quite boring. Instead I now provide you with the wonderful bit of information that is a continuation of my resolution. I have made it all the way through the A's! 12 movies down. Let me break down the viewings that I made -

Starting from the top Left - Accepted, Aeon Flux, Alex & Emma, Alien, Alvin & the Chipmunks, American Gangster, The Amityville Horror (2005), Antitrust, Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters, Artificial Intelligence: A.I., Austin Powers International Man of Mystery, AVP Requiem.

I've decided to break this discussion into categories in order to skip over the boring stuff and keep it interesting. Let's hope that actually works.

Best Movie: Easily the best movie in this set is American Gangster. they managed to convince me that a man smuggling heroin into the states in order to sell pure dope was a good guy. that isn't easy to do. Denzel is amazing simply put.

Worst Movie: This one may surprise people but the worst movie in this selection is Alex & Emma. It was a jumbled mess that didn't make sense. the leads had no chemistry at all. It was just horrible.

Favorite Movie: Alien. I could watch this movie every single day for the rest of my life and be content. It was a wonderful WONDERFUL relief to watch in between two steaming piles of crap in Alex & Emma and Alvin & The Chipmunks. This one is different from Best because while I thought American Gangster was a wonderful film and above the rest quality wise, I don't know how many times I could watch it and not get tired. Alien i have no such issue. Also this is my own list and I make the rules deal with it.

Most Surprisingly Good Movie: Artificial Intelligence: A.I.. I mean I knew I liked it the first time I saw it but I forgot how much I liked it. The story and subtext drives the human heart and really gets to the viewer. Sure it's a little weird and disjointed at times but I still thoroughly enjoyed it and will recommend it to anyone to watch.

Most Surprisingly Bad Movie: I wanted to like Antitrust. I really really did. Instead I found myself lost as to what was going on and what motivated the characters. The main plot point revolved around technology so convoluted and pointless that I had no idea why anyone thought it was something people wanted.

Most Surprising Movie I Don't Own:
Quite simply my favorite movie of ALL TIME, Animal House. I will wind up owning this by the end of the year.

Why In The HECK Do I Own: Alvin & the Chipmunks. I mean I know how it came into my possession but I don't know WHY. I know I'm not their target demographic but I enjoy a kids movie every once and awhile so I gave this one a chance. I regret that. My only solace in my life right now is the knowledge that I can't watch this monstrosity again.

Alright well that about covers it, next up is the B's and I'm actually looking forward to most of these, it will be hard to pick a least favorite.


Revisting my Resolution

Okay so there has been a couple votes placed and since it's looking like a landslide I figured I would post a followup to my resolution. If you are unfamiliar to my resolution I direct you here.

Officially now the rules are as follows:

1. The movies must be watched in Alphabetical order. (for this purpose it's A-#'s)
2. If I watch a movie out of order I have to watch it again when it comes up in it's order.
3. Once I have watched the movie in order I CAN NOT WATCH IT AGAIN until finished.
4. The exception for #3 is if it is part of a group viewing where I have no control over the movie being played.
5. If a movie is added later in the year when I have already passed it's place in order it is added to the end of the list in alphabetical order.
6. TV shows DO NOT count, but rather will be added as a secondary goal depending on when I finish with my movies.

I kinda want to keep this short but at the same time I want to give you an update as to how I am doing. So far the rules have been pretty easy to follow though I admit that they are definitely set up to add difficulty later on in the journey.

I've watched 6 movies so far and I'm not even out of the A's yet. For some reason I expected to be out of the A's quickly and onto the B's. For those of you who are curious (and I know there probably is just me) here is a breakdown by the letter of how many movies I have for each letter:

A - 12
B - 13
C - 6
D - 9
E - 3
F - 2
G - 3
H - 5
I - 2
J - 3
K - 1
L - 4
M - 11
N - 1
O - 2
P - 3
Q - 0
R - 7
S -15
T - 8
U - 2
V - 0
W - 5
X - 0
Y - 0
Z - 1
# - 1

TOTAL - 119

I've also decided to do a blog post keeping you updated as to my progress every time I finish a letter. Just to keep me in check.

One of the main concerns from my friends was that I was putting a lot of time into this while neglecting physical activity and a social life. It is a very good and valid idea however I assure you that I am going to be doing more with my time than just watching movies. I am currently reading 2 novels, walking almost every day, still going out every opportunity that I have to be social and see people, and working 40 hours a week. If you do the math I only have to watch a little over 2 movies a week over the next year in order to be successful in this ordeal.* That's about 6 hours at most a week. I think I can spare 6 hours of relaxation time to watch a movie and not have my world fall apart.

*yes I am aware that is contingent on me not buying any more movies and the chances of that are slim and none since I have already bought/received 7 movies since making this goal.


New Year's Dance "Fun"

Alright so last night there was a dance last night in Mormonville and because I had nothing better to do (literally nothing which is saying something) I decided it was time to venture out and try to enjoy myself. First of all the dance was in Puyallup aka the seventh circle of inbred hell. I honestly thought we were going to wind up in Mexico by the end of the night except I knew deep down that wasn't going to happen if for no other reason than that would be fun and clearly that was not allowed on this night.

Once we get to the venue it became time to people watch and eat some food. the problem occurred when we got there that I couldn't find the food. Now first of all this is a problem because I am fat and if I don't have a steady stream of sugar and fat coating my arteries at all times I start feeling healthy and who the heck wants that? And the secondly there is ALWAYS food at these things and yet it was nowhere to be seen. Turns out there is a seconds story to this MASSIVE building that we also had as part of our event which was where the food was. Bridgette did a wonderful job on the food (I was especially impressed with the thought put into tiny cups of ranch for the veggie platter) but to be honest there were at least 10 other things about this event I loved even more. Why i always wind up making lists I don't know maybe it's because I'm lazy and they are easy either way you're the one reading it so I blame you.

10. Stick guy! Now Stick guy was a special brand of social leper in that people still talked to him despite the fact that he was walking around with what amounted to a shower curtain rod and spinning it around as if he thought he was Donatello from the Ninja Turtles. Granted when I saw him I thought about talking to him simply out of fear that if I didn't he was going to beat me with his stick. Thankfully common sense won out and I did not talk to this wonderful human being.

9. Glow stick dude! I hesitated a bit to put Glow stick Dude ahead of Stick guy but really Glow stick dude is a much better story in the long run so I am gonna stick with this placement. It would appear to the untrained eye that this was just your average freak with glow sticks but oh no this guy was special. his glow sticks were attached to shoe strings so he could swing them around and impress the ladies with his ability to blind them from 4 feet away. Add that with his all white jump suit that made him look like he was a coke dealer and you knew this kid was special. I actually did wind up talking to this guy but completely by accident. I forgot my voice carries when i was talking about him and he turned to me after putting away his glow sticks and said "There's too many people here, I gotta put them away" and of course i offer the friendly, though completely drowning in sarcasm comment "Yeah that's just too bad" to which he smiled as if to think I was serious and really enjoyed his pseudo-pyrotechnics.

8. Glow stick dude and Stick guy meet and become friends! Okay you have to understand the importance of this meeting. this is like if the Beatles sat in with the Stones. Superman and Spider-man team up. Simply put this was the single greatest meeting since Peanut Butter and Jelly! Now you might think I am over reacting to a simple chance encounter between 2 relatively normal people but no I am not. Simply put when their conversation involves this discussion - GSD "We could tie my glow sticks to your stick and swing them around" SG "that would be tight!". You know what these two belong together and I wish I could thank them for making my life complete through their meeting. I can die happy now. sadly the combining of their powers ala Captain Planet did not occur but I'm holding out on next year when they up the ante by setting things on fire.

7. The who's the pedophile? game! Kurt is a funny guy. I'm not entirely sure he gets enough credit for being funny. Yes I'm funnier but that's besides the point. anyway as a way to have fun at this dance Kurt and I played a rousing game of find the pedophile. The goal was to find the person there that seemed most likely to be into little boys/girls. Twisted? Yes. Morbid? Yep. Fun? YES! I'm not sure who won but I'm putting my money on me since I pretty much always win.

6. The Balloon "drop"! Okay so we've all seen the set up for these things: lots of balloons, netting, pull chord, fall, popping, fun ensues. So what happens when you have 500 balloons hanging from a 9 ft ceiling? The thing was essentially resting on people's heads while they danced it was ridiculous. Then when midnight came the people underneath it pulled it down and voila they were trapped under the net. To make matters more fun they put little tickets for free stuff in the balloons so of course it was a mad house and a GIANT mess. Very poorly thought if you ask me.

5. The best DJ ever! No not because of the quality of the music (truth be told it wasn't too horrible but there was a lot to be desired) but because of what he looked like. Our DJ looked almost EXACTLY like Ron Jeremy. I'm not sure what possessed them to book a DJ that resembled quite possibly the most famous male porn star ever but they did and it made my evening that much better. Even better though I wasn't the only one who made this observation as there were at least 3 other people who referenced it with me. For some reason it makes me smile when I'm not the only one capable of making inappropriate comparisons at Mormon activities.

4. Bee girl! Okay so Bee Girl relates back to the pedophile game. Looking around you could tell that as opposed to doing the responsible thing and getting a babysitter or leaving their kids home alone with the older of the seven watching them the chaperons decided what better place for their small children to be than an activity full of 18-30 year olds who are at least 80% creepy. SUPER IDEA. Anyway while we were playing the pedophile game I see this little girl in a yellow dress with black polka dots. I from that moment on dubbed her the Bee Girl for I thought she was just another one of the cute little kids running around and of course she looked like a bee so she needed a nickname. Throughout the evening I wound up getting a closer look at the bee girl and I noticed something - she seemed to be a victim of perspective in an interesting way. Instead of getting bigger the closer I got to her she got older. She stayed the same height no matter how far away or close I was but when I got close up I realized she was actually a 23 year old fully grown adult. I swear I could have held her on my hand if I had tried. I wanted to get a picture with her but I realized just how fat I would look standing next to her and there was no way I was gonna do that to myself.

3. Alien Hombre! Okay imagine an alien. Your average run of the mill standard sci-fi alien. let me guess big forehead, small eyes, tiny mouth. Well there was a guy who looked just like that except he had hair. Essentially Brainiac from the Superman comic books. However the confidence this guy had was amazing. Alien Hombre I admire your ability to talk to women despite how you look. You are a hero among men right next to Stick Guy and Glow Stick Dude. My suggestion though in the near future - invest in some hats.

2. The Theater Room! So I love movies. Why am I telling you this? You know it already I mean come one I talk about them every single post. In my first venture around the venue I noticed they had a theater room. What Kurt and I saw was one of the most awkward things I have ever seen. Inside the theater room there was one 50 year old lady sitting there watching Happy Days on DVD. That was it. One lady. Throughout the evening I had to share in the joy of the theater room to others and I took no less than 3 trips to the theater room. The second time there was a second guy there, and the third time even the 50 year old lady had had enough of the Fonz jumping the shark. Below is an reenactment with Derek subbing in for the 50 year old lady.

1. The ladies! Okay this is the point where I become a blatant suck up to my friends. While yes this evening was chock full of freaks and weirdos it also featured many wonderful beautiful women. Dean was exceptionally beautiful this evening in a dress her sister Raven got her for Christmas (Raven was also quite lovely). Sarah Hammond and Charity looked classy as ever. Kaylene was an exceptionally beautiful woman. Melina and Jenessa of course were the only people there that knew there was a theme and went all out with it (I especially enjoyed Jenessa's shoes) and looked lovely. And then of course there was Whitney, Bridgette, Leah and Sarah Pearce. I often describe them as 4 of my favorite ladies and on this night was no different. These ladies always go all out with their outfits and always look amazing and yet I don't feel they get enough credit for it. I know I left out a lot of ladies that I also enjoyed but these ones are the few I really thought deserved some special attention. Why I thought special attention in the form of a blog post where I am 98% sarcastic and mean I'm not sure but that's where they get it. You ladies are awesome.

Editors UPDATE: Derek was so kind to add even more of the wonderfulness to this list on his latest blogpost with a list of Honorable Mentions. You can read them HERE.