Oh hey can you play...

So like I mentioned in the last post there was a Sweet Meet and fun was had.  As tradition dictates, for the last few years anyway, there is a dance that follows.  Once again I was lucky enough to be asked to DJ this dance.  Now I really do love to DJ church dances, if for no other reason than I am that arrogant guy that thinks he can do better than most of the DJs that do the church dances he attends and as such spends most of the night complaining about the music being played.  Now I do give a little bit of slack because I know how hard it is and I know that they are just doing their best, but my best is usually better unless the DJ is someone I actually know then I tend to shut up and enjoy myself.

Better than you.

 Now my preparation for these sorts of things actually starts long before the event.  From the moment I am asked to DJ the dance I begin researching the music that the kids are listening to these days.  I scour the iTunes and Billboard charts to see if there is something new out there that I should play, or that would most likely get requested.  Then I start downloading songs to fill my computer.  I want to make sure that aside from having all of the dance standards I try and keep it as current as possible.  Nothing really beyond 5 years unless it's timeless like Michael Jackson or the like is my general rule of thumb.

After downloading the songs comes culling a playlist.
You don't want it to be too top heavy.
It needs to be a steady incline in fun.
You can't focus too much on one or two genres because you then run the risk of alienating people who don't like those one or two genres.
You have to anticipate requests.
You have to include slow songs.
You have to include fast songs.
You have to properly space the songs.
You have to over plan and include more songs than you need.
You can't have any songs that swear.
You can't have any songs with inappropriate themes.
You have to achieve the impossible.

You would think this would be enough but in actuality it is only beginning.  Once your playlist is finally ready it's time for the dance to begin.  In a perfect world I could just set my laptop up to the sound system, walk away and go have fun with everyone else.  Sadly the world isn't perfect and I get to spend the entire evening (save for the slow songs) sitting on the stage trying to figure out which song I should play next to keep things going.  If your lucky your preset playlist won't change much.  If you aren't you will have changed absolutely everything by the end of the night.  On the night of the Sweet Meet I wasn't lucky.  I started with what was originally #17 on my playlist and it just went downhill from there.  Here's a link to a quick spreadsheet I put together for this blog of my playlist for the Sweet Meet.  It's color coded to show you everything I played and everything else I planned on playing.

A few notes that you might find interesting about that playlist.  You won't find Ke$ha anywhere on there.  Not only is she devoid of musical talent, she is also trash and her songs are all about being a whore aka not appropriate.  The song "Teach Me How To Dougie" was in fact played, though quite begrudgingly.  They requested it around song #5.  As you can see I held out until song #17 to play it.  The logic to that is simple really.  That song/dance is retarded.  You know who should be doing the Dougie?  Paul Wall.  You know who shouldn't?  Over privileged self-indulgent white people.  No.  Knock it off.  I only played it because they literally hounded me all night with requests for it and I wanted to shut them up.  It was futile however as with three songs left the self appointed voice of the people came up to me and said "Man you gotta play Dougie again!" I simply said "No.  No I do not." and went back to my business of playing good music.  Needless to say if I ever DJ a dance again I have learned my lesson and I will simply tell these annoying brats that I don't have their stupid song.

no.

Generally speaking everyone had a good time and thought I did a wonderful job with the music.  Or at least that is what I heard from everyone that knew I was the DJ.  Last Sunday I overheard a conversation about the dance where someone mentioned that they didn't have a good time because I didn't play enough slow songs because "that's the only reason to go to those things".  Now I have more than a few issues with this logic.  the first issue is I only played 22 songs and two of those were slow songs.  They were spaced out to fit almost exactly to the ratio of 1 slow song every 11 songs.  In my eyes that's a good ratio.  Secondly, Do you know when I got requests to play slow songs?  When I was just about to play a slow song.  I know my audience and I knew when they wanted to dance and when they wanted to slow dance.  Thirdly if you wanted more slow songs, come up and ask for them.  There were people on the stage with me all night long requesting songs.  And considering how often I accommodated their requests I would have done the same for you too.  And Finally, I received many, many, MANY compliments from the women in attendance for NOT playing that many slow songs.  It turns out that because the ratio of women to men is so lopsided at these sorts of activities many of the women spend the slow songs sitting off to the side wondering why the many boys that aren't dancing aren't asking them to dance and questioning their beauty.  Now maybe you did dance these slow dances, but I would say the majority of guys don't.  That leaves even more girls sitting alone and bummed out.  I'm not going to disappoint these women any more than I have to, and so I chose to not overcrowd the playlist with slow songs.

Pictured: How Mormon Women Spend Slow Dances

So in conclusion, shut up and appreciate the work I do to accommodate everyone and make sure everyone who is there to have a good time has one.  If your only goal at a dance is to poorly dance in a circle while stumbling through small talk YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.

Not so Sweet Meet

So the 380398230843208th annual Sweet Meet was this last Friday and once again the guys were in charge of making their desserts and there was a dance and blah blah blah blah blah. Alright I'm not going to go on and on about the activity because it was in general a fun time and most of you who are reading this were there or have been there so you get it and what it is essentially about.  Instead I am going to rant about Mormon culture in regards to dating in general.

We've all heard the complaints and grievances from both sides.  No one dates.  No one is asking me out.  No one wants to go out with me.  It's really tedious and annoying because in every instance people are saying things that they really have the power to solve but are either too cowardly or prideful to stop.  If you want to go on a date with someone then ask them out.  it doesn't have to be complicated or difficult.  If you are doing something and would like someone to have along, all you have to do is ASK SOMEONE.  You don't have to be thinking of marrying the person on this date, you just have to be open to getting to know them, and since you're the one deciding who you are doing this thing with if you don't want to get to know this person you were dumb to ask them in the first place.  It's about you and getting to know this other person is a perk not the point.  If you fall madly in love like in the movies, great.  If you don't, oh well you have a new friend and is that really so bad?

Now tradition dictates that the guy should be the one doing the asking out.  Screw that noise.  You women have cell phones just as much as us men do and you should be able to shoot someone a text or heaven forbid an actual call to ask them to do something.  Besides as so many women like to remind me men are stupid so if you really think being coy and vaguely flirty is going to actually capture the attention of the average male you are clearly not listening when you are complaining about us.  I'm not saying men shouldn't ask women out, I'm saying women should as well.  Everyone should be asking everyone out.

Which brings us back to the Sweet Meet.  In years previous the whole point of making a dessert was to have it won by one person and set up a very short impromptu meal and dessert date-like evening.  That's the appeal.  You meet someone new and share food, which last I checked was the point of dating.  However last year people complained that they were stuck with someone that they somehow couldn't even be brought about to talk about the weather with for 20 minutes while they ate.  As a result of the complaints they decided to make it into a group thing with three guys and three girls per table.  Now maybe I am alone in this but in group things I don't really get to know people much because I shell up around people I don't know and let other people dominate the conversation while I listen.    Yes I can survive in groups but one dominate personality and I get away with not having to do anything which while leads to a quasi successful activity it also doesn't let anyone really get to know anyone.  I sat at a table with 5 people ranging from complete strangers to casual friends and I honestly can't tell you one thing I learned about any of them.  Meanwhile last year I managed to get to know someone who is now one of my closest friends.  I wouldn't have gotten to know Cassie if the event wasn't one on one, and she certainly wouldn't have gotten to know me.

Yes dating can be awkward.  It can be tough.  It can be rough.  If it was easy, what would be the point?

Diet and exercise

I need to go on a diet and get exercise.  This isn't really anything new for anyone who has been friends with me at any point in my life, but it's something that I have decided to finally do something about.  I'm not thinking at all that I need to look like this:

No that would be absolutely unreasonable.  I don't need that.  I just need to look more like say this -

instead of, say, this -

.

not actually me I promise.

This will be my menu for awhile.  And this will be my exercise plan every other day (the stupid link wouldn't work but the gist of it was I would walk from my house to the Japanese Gardens which would be about a mile and about 30 minutes).  This will not be fun but it will be worth it.*

*If I stick it out.

Why I don't go to Family Home Evening

*note for future reference all mentions of Family Home Evening will be shortened to FHE.*

Throughout my many, many, many years of being young and single in the church I have attended many an FHE.  Every single Monday I would venture out to whatever activity was planned for the night and I would generally have a good time. Then a funny thing happened. I lost all interest in attending FHE.  It wasn't a particular activity, or person in charge or anything overly dramatic like that.  I just realized that there just wasn't a reason to go anymore and it all just seemed trivial.  A few weeks ago I was thinking about going to FHE for the first time in a long time and I turned to the last bastion for advice - Facebook. I asked all of my friends to convince me one way or the other about going to FHE that night.  This is the result -

The results were simple, the only reason anyone could give me to go to FHE was that girls would be there.  Not that the activity would be fun.  Not that I would feel the spirit there.  No, it was simply because women would be there and if I ever wanted to get married I needed to go there to meet them.  Now I did wind up going to FHE that night (because my roommate Jon made me) but in all honesty this opinion on what FHE is for bothers me to no end.  For me FHE shouldn't be about meeting your soulmate.  It can very much be about meeting new people that is fine.  However if you go into it expecting to find girls to flirt with then you are doing it wrong. 

For me FHE should be about two things. 1. a short and simple spiritual message. As with any church activity it is important to involve the spirit in the beginning.  It's the key to all this after all. However, this does not have to be another Sunday School lesson, in fact it should definitely not become that.  2. A short and simple activity.  Much like dating we tend to overly complicate our activities, or we do the exact opposite and the activity is poorly planned and lacks direction.  If we keep them simple it will make it easier to actually get into the activity and then be done in an hour.  There is no reason for FHE to not be done in an hour.  We all have better things to do with our time and we can use a break, but that break can't take forever.  Short and sweet will lead to an enjoyable time and it will give me less of an excuse to not go.

I'm gonna go to FHE this week, it's Karaoke and sounds fun and fits all of my criteria.


and there will be girls there.

My Top 10 movies of 2010

Sometimes I like to write pointless blogs that everyone else and their mother will also write over the course of the next two weeks.  This is one of those times.

I like movies.  Some would say it's an unhealthy obsession.  I would however say shut your face I'm watching a movie.  Clearly I win this argument.  Below is a list of my favorite movies of 2010.  As a disclaimer I have not seen True Grit, Black Swan or Yogi Bear and so they are not on this list and as a result I will state here and now that they are complete crap.  These are also in no particular order though I am sure I do have a few absolute favorites.  Click on the titles for links to their trailers if you are still not convinced of how right I am, though rest assured I am 100% right.

1. Scott Pilgrim VS The World

I would like to first take a moment to tell you all just how much I hate Michael Cera.  That man is single handedly dumbing down America and killing the art of the leading man.  If he died in a fire tomorrow I would be happy for two reasons: 1. he would be dead. and 2. People would stop talking about an Arrested Development movie like it is a good idea.  Now with all that being said Michael Cera and his whiny pathetic act are perfect here.  There was no greater reason for this horrible human being to exist than to make this movie.  All of the Evil Exes are great, Edgar Wright made the perfect graphic novel movie.  Everything about this movie is wonderful, and unfortunately it is almost all thanks to how perfect Cera fits in.  Kieran Culkin is also brilliantly cast as Scott's gay roommate and he steals every single scene he even breathes on.


2. The Town

I already had a feeling I was going to love this movie going into it because of the cast involved but I didn't realize just how much I was going to love it.  Coming off the wonderful Gone Baby Gone I was convinced that Ben Affleck just got lucky when it came to his directing but with The Town he really impressed me and he showed me some of his true talent.  He's not the best actor in the world but when he surrounds himself with the likes of Jeremy Rennar, Jon Hamm, Rebecca Hall, and Blake Lively's breasts you see less of his failures as an actor and believe him in the role.  This is one of the movies where for some reason you find yourself rooting for the bad guys to succeed and that is all thanks to some wonderful storytelling.



3. Inception

Is it a dream or is it real?  A better question is does it matter?  The answer to that is no.  Christopher Nolan has proven himself once again to be infallible.  Traditionally when you dip yourself in the Superhero genre pool your career doesn't come out the same.  From my vantage point most rarely survive.  Meanwhile all Nolan does to follow up one of the greatest comic book movies ever is create this mind altering experience that treats our thoughts like it's own personal marionette where we have no control at all.  Dicaprio shows us once again why he is one of the finest actors of our generation without an Oscar with his leading role.  All in all this movie was designed for multiple viewings and unlike other movies you can say that about, this one is well worth it.


4. Kick-Ass

There are very few times where I can wholeheartedly recommend a Nic Cage movie.  Honestly it's really only this one and MAYBE Family Man. It's just he has a very specialized brand of crazy that either really works or REALLY fails.  Thanks to some clever writing and a really clever Adam West impersonation his crazy really works.  That said though the real star of this movie is Hit Girl played by Chloë Grace Moretz.  I mean seriously how can you not fall in love with a movie that features an 11 yr old assassin with a mouth that could teach a few sailors a dozen or so new swears?   The answer there is you can't.  It's brilliant.  It's over the top in all the right ways and is the perfect deconstruction of the comic book genre.  I'm really disappointed more people didn't see this in theaters, so to make it up to me go rent it right away.


5. The Social Network

Sure they splurged a bit with the facts.  You really can't make a biopic these days without doing just that.  You also can't make one without making the person who's life you are chronicling a complete and total douchebag. Those are just the rules of the biopic.  The dialog is crisp and mesmerizing  in a way that only Aaron Sorkin knows how.  David Fincher is able to bring emotion and life to a story that is just about as mundane as mundane could possibly be.  I managed to sit through a two hour movie about Facebook and not feel like my life was robbed of me and that is an amazing accomplishment.  Jesse Eisenberg deserves a lot of credit too for getting me to care about a man that is so pompous and self absorbed that in most settings I simply wouldn't.  And I can't not mention Trent Reznor's amazing score.  It turns out he can make music that doesn't scare me.


6. Toy Story 3

Pixar has really made this really nasty habit of making movies that make me cry like a little girl.  From top to bottom Toy Story 3 would have to be one of my favorite films from the company that can't seem to do any wrong (this sentence will be null and void once Cars 2 comes out but I digress).  In a world where the third movie in any trilogy is most assuredly the worst (Return of the King was a fluke) it is refreshing to see one that doesn't crap on it's predecessor's legacy and actually manages to complete it.  There is really nothing much else I can say except thank you Pixar for your continued dedication to brilliance and for making movies for the right reasons.  I hope eventually everyone else can live up to your example.


7. Hot Tub Time Machine

I will not sit here and tell you that this movie is brilliant.  It's not.   In fact it's quite impressively stupid.  However that doesn't stop it from being hilarious.  It's self awareness of exactly what it is is refreshing and in it's own way what doesn't let it become terrible.  Sure it focuses too much energy on John Cusak and his search for love instead of Rob Colddry or Craig Robinson but honestly you can't completely blame them.  From beginning to end this movie gave me exactly what I expected from it and it did it with charm and semen jokes.  Well played good sirs, well played.



8 Catfish

There isn't much I am going to tell you about this movie.  In fact there is nothing I am going to tell you about this movie.  I will tell you that for the 48 hours after I saw this movie I lost all faith I had in humanity.  No, I didn't have a ton of faith to begin with but this movie killed it.  You owe it to yourself to watch this movie.  Just do it.  And not just because it's marketing told you to, but because I told you to.



9. Iron Man 2

This spot was a tough choice for me but in the end Iron Man 2 won out over Tron Legacy because while Tron was beautiful to look at, IM2 was better acted and flowed seamlessly from the first one.  Also my love of Scarlett Johansson in the skin tight Black Widow outfit did not hurt either.  The chemistry that seemed to be missing from Roddy and Tony Stark was remedied by the inclusion of the amazing Don Cheadle.  Robert Downey Jr is also astounding and proved once again that he really is the only man for the role of Tony Stark.  Yes the movie had it's flaws but once again it's a comic book movie and for that I can easily forgive it it's ttransgressions and flimsy plot devices and side stories.


10. Buried

It's a movie in which Ryan Reynolds is on my screen 100% of the time.  On what planet did you people not think this would be on my list?  In all seriousness though this movie was intense and riveting.  At a little over 90 minutes it is the perfect length for such a brave and unique movie idea.  It's just you and Ryan trapped in a box in the Iraq desert with just a cell phone to survive.  The tension builds perfectly, the ebbs and flows of the emotions brought about through the ordeal are incredibly suspenseful.  Just a top notch effort all the way around.  Did I mention it's Ryan Reynolds in a box?  It's like the writers of this movie found my Christmas list and turned it into a suspense movie.



Honorable mentions:
Tron Legacy
Red
Cyrus
Four Lions
Tucker And Dale VS Evil
Trotski

Runaway

We always seem to find new songs that seem to scream out from our souls as if the writers wrote them entirely with us in mind.  Lately I can't stop listening to Kanye West's new album, but more specifically I can't stop listening to his song "Runaway".  So often I have thought these lyrics in my mind, only to have them come out of the mouth of a man who essentially invented the word "bravado".  And that's what makes it interesting.  If he can hide these feelings from the world and convince everyone that he's one of the most self aware and self confident people in existence then why can't I?

And I always find, yeah, I always find something wrong
You been puttin' up wit' my shit just way too long
I'm so gifted at findin' what I don't like the most
So I think it's time for us to have a toast

Let's have a toast for the douche-bags,
Let's have a toast for the assholes,
Let's have a toast for the scumbags,
Every one of them that I know
Let's have a toast to the jerkoffs
That'll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can

She find pictures in my email
I sent this girl a picture of my, Dick
I don't know what it is with females
But I'm not too good at that, shit
See, I could have me a good girl
And still be addicted to them hoodrats
And I just blame everything on you
At least you know that's what I'm good at
(CHORUS)
See, I always find
And I always find
Yeah, I always find somethin' wrong
You been puttin' up with my shit just way to long
I'm so gifted at findin' what I don't like the most
So I think it's time for us to have a toast

Let's have a toast for the douchebags,
Let's have a toast for the assholes,
Let's have a toast for the scumbags,
Every one of them that I know
Let's have a toast to the jerkoffs
That'll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can

Runaway from it baby.....
runaway......
runaway from it baby
Run away........
(if stuff gets crazy)...why cant she just runaway...
(baby i gotta plan)...runaway as fast as you can
runaway from it baby

24/7, 365, pussy stays on my mind
I-I-I-I did it, all right, all right, I admit it
Now pick your next move, you could leave or live wit' it
Ichabod Crane with that motherfucking top off
Split and go where? Back to wearin' knockoffs, hah
Knock it off, Neiman's, shop it off
Let's talk over mai tais, waitress, top it off
hoes like vultures wanna fly in your Freddy loafers
You can't blame 'em, they ain't never seen Versace sofas
Every bag, every blouse, every bracelet
Comes with a price tag, baby, face it
You should leave if you can't accept the basics
Plenty hoes in the baller-nigger matrix
Invisibly set, the Rolex is faceless
I'm just young, rich, and tasteless
P!

I was never much of a romantic
I could never take the intamacy
And i know it did damage
Plus the look in your eyes is killing me
I guess you have an advantage
You could blame me for everything
And i dont know what im'a manage
If one day you just up and leave

Oh and i alway find..
and i always find..
yeah i always find something wrong
You been puttin' up with my shit just way too long
I'm so gifted at findin' what I don't like the most
So I think it's time for us to have a toast

Let's have a toast for the douchebags,
Let's have a toast for the assholes,
Let's have a toast for the scumbags,
Every one of them that I know
Let's have a toast to the jerkoffs
That'll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can

Stand up or sit down

Growing up when I was asked what I wanted to be I don't remember ever having an answer.  Not a doctor, not a policeman, not even a ninja.  I just never really thought of it as a decision that I needed to make when I was young.  I figured it would eventually reveal itself to me and I would just know my calling and be happy with it.  I had hobbies and interests that I liked a lot.  I played football with my friends, I acted in plays, I helped out in video stores, essentially I lived my life in search of happiness and I found it in many different places but i never really found my calling.

Or had I?

Through out all of this looking the one constant thing in my life that would bring me the most happiness was stand up comedy.  It started out simple enough with Gallagher smashing watermelons.  While it may not seem the funniest thing out there now, when you are 6 trust me it was hilarious.




I must have watched his tapes hundreds of times, however as I grew up I started looking for even more.  Now this was back before Comedy Central existed.  Yeah that's right, I'm old.  So I would scour the TV guide and find out when HBO was playing one of their famous hour long comedy specials.  And that is when I was introduced to a man that changed my life: George Carlin, specifically his Carlin at Carnegie special.




Carlin not only served as an eye-opener as to what real stand-up comedy is but he also acted as a gateway drug.  He led to Richard Pryor, he led to Lenny Bruce.  He provided me with motivation that I had never really felt before in my life.  I knew what I wanted to do now.  I wanted to be a stand-up comedian.

By the time I had graduated from high school I had it all planned out, I would write jokes, and work open mics in town during the week to perfect my act.  From there I would move to a bigger city and work there, and eventually be discovered and be well on my way to fame and popularity.  The plan was in one word - flawless.

And then I realized I lived in the tri-cities and there wasn't a comedy club anywhere even remotely close to there for me to work an open mic at.  I was busy taking care of my mom and making sure she was safe and well writing jokes became something I would do later.  I found other jobs that I loved and provided me pleasure and so my dreams became a distant memory of a time when I wasn't thinking straight.  I wanted to raise a family and be there for my children.  I wanted security that working on the road as a comic simply cannot bring.

Stand-up still played an important part in my life though.  Once I moved to Seattle I started to attend shows around town and through volunteering at Bumbershoot and going to these shows I was able to network and meet many wonderful local comedians.  I am always looking for more excuses to attend a comedy show.  I have been to every comedy venue in Seattle at least once, certainly enough to know that (at least prior to new management taking over) that the Comedy Underground was about a billion times better than Giggles, or that the Parlor in Bellevue is almost too hip and trendy to actually seem like a real comedy club.

Recently through my friendship with Greg those feelings from my childhood have come creeping back into my mind.  Not so much the idea of being rich and famous because of my stand-up, that doesn't really happen as often as seeing people on Comedy Central or HBO would let you believe.  No instead the thoughts are that if I don't go out there and try it I will never know if I could have done it.  It's the great unknown right now.

But that isn't going to always be the case.  I've decided that I owe it to myself to give it a valiant try.  I recently started to network with some of the local comedians that I know to get advice as to what I should do and where I should go.  Eventually I will truly test my will and my spirits.