5.28.2009

I'm Getting Too Old For This

There really are few ways around it. It happens to everyone no matter how much it seems like it won't. I am becoming old. Not just in age mind you, I am not going to insinuate that the fact that I am turning 29 tomorrow is what I am fully blaming for this transformation, it's not. No I am getting old in mind, and body as well as the age factor. To put it bluntly: while I only look like this

I feel more like this:

I just feel ancient and old. All my friends are younger than me, and when you look at their faces you actually do see some sort of weird glow about them where they have so much to look forward to and they are just annoyingly happy about it. Meanwhile a lot of my good years are behind me. I have accepted my fate and while I have been able to find peace and joy within those confines I still don't feel the same way I did when I was 24. I know that glow isn't really there for me anymore. I still have so much to look forward to but instead of seeing it as something I have ahead of me I have reached the moments when I start to wonder if I missed something along the way.

And constantly looking into your past for something that wasn't ever there is pointless. You can't go back for it, even if you realize that one moment where if you had taken a left instead of a right your life would have been on the track you think you want. You still can't make that turn. It's done. You can't fix it. And so with that in mind I am going to turn my mind from the past, and look forward to the future. And hopefully I will find this again.

4 comments:

Tales of the endless tether said...

You're not old, you're depressed. At 29, there's no way that you should be feeling old.

Have you spoken to anyone professionally about how you're feeling?

Just my opinion. Don't flame me for it, because if there's the slightest possibility that I'm right, you could be back to feeling full of fun & life again in a few months.

Allen said...

I haven't talked to a therapist since I was about 12.

And I wouldn't doubt that you are right about me being depressed. Though I think the societal pressures of being almost 30 and still unmarried is what is getting to me, so I doubt most of these feelings would go away even with pills or talking.

Have no fear though I should be past this in no time at all. ginat birthday parties where everyone reminds you that they love you regardless of what is going on in your life tend to to that for a person. :)

Thanks again for your comments and concern, it really is nice to know someone cares.

smiles :) said...

Dang you were a cute baby! And no worries, I can totally relate to the feeling old bit- I think (for me) it mostly has to do with being on the older edge of the YSA ward, and seeing all of the young 20-somethings running around with their whole future in front of them... but I don't envy the mistakes they're going to make ;) Most of my unmarried friends/ people I hang out with/ people I might potentially go on dates with are younger, and sometimes it just feels..wrong. huh, oh well, can't do much about that, but I'm glad I have you some older friends who can relate. not OLD, just more mature and experienced ;) yeah. Happy almost birthday, Allen, hope it's fun!

Alaina said...

I am sending wishes your way for you to find everything you want in life.

I too, am an old soul. At 28 I was unhappy with my appearance so I started walking with a nieghbor. Something that I get enjoyment out of has started to help me lose weight. Granted I still have lots of work to do but just that small 30 minutes of my day makes me feel like I am accomplishing something.

Just an example of how something so little can bring about some big changes.

Love,
Alaina