Words I Should Have Said

Hey.  How are you doing?  I hope everything is going well with you in your new life.  I hear things are going smoothly and that you are quite happy, and I am truly glad.  Anyway enough with the small talk it's time I just came out and cut to the chase.  A few months ago I deleted you from Facebook and Twitter.  About a month after that I finally worked out the courage to delete your number from my phone.  This isn't my way of apologizing for doing that because in all honesty you deleted me first.

Yeah that's right you deleted me first.

If we were to take a ride in the Way Back Machine to four years back you would see that you were my best friend.  I could tell you anything.  We would text until the ends of the night.  It was because of you that I had to get unlimited texts you remember that?  You told me about how the latest boy you were dating was driving you crazy, how much you loved a certain show and the time you spent with your family (even if they did drive you to the brink of insanity from time to time). I would tell you it would all get better eventually.  I would tell you about my struggles with my weight.  With my job. With my friends.  With my family. With everything. My favorite times together though was just being around you and not needing to say a word.  In those moments I felt like nothing could hurt me.  No matter what was happening through my life there was safety in those moments.

I thought you knew me better than anyone, especially when I would go through my phases.  You knew everything there could be about me and how I worked.  Sure we would have our moments of difficulty but what friends don't?  You knew about my tendencies to worry about nothing.  To make fun of and ridicule people, especially when I first meet them. To get quiet and whiny when things don't go my way.  To lie and say everything is fine when they obviously aren't.  So many other idiosyncratic aspects of my personality that even I don't immediately recognize.  Maybe at one point you did.

When you decided to move you knew how much it was bothering me and how much I believed that things wouldn't be the same once you left.  You swore to me that they wouldn't.  You told me that I would still see you when you would visit.  You said we would still talk.  You convinced me things would stay the same.

I really should have known better than to believe you.

It started off small.  I would send you texts and it would slowly take you longer to respond.  I would write on your wall only to be met with silence.  The birthday present I bought you was returned because you couldn't get time off work to come up for the game.  You did make time to see me when you came up to visit your family so of course I forgot all about the past slights and thought everything was fine and that error in judgement got me through the next bit until I realized the cycle was continuing on.

Time went on and you told me about a boy you were dating.  How much you liked him.  How you thought maybe he would be the one.  I was happy for you.  I only made one simple request - Don't let me find out about your engagement on Facebook or Twitter.  You laughed and promised I wouldn't.  Four months or so later and you were engaged and I found out on Facebook and Twitter.  You claimed to have texted me but those things don't exactly get lost.

I blamed this distance that was growing between us on your new Fiancee.  He clearly was the one driving you away from any male friends you have out of jealousy.  Clearly if I could just make him go away I would have my friend back.  And so came the day that I finally met the man I disliked so very much.  I would make him feel  unwelcome among your friends he would leave you.  The plan was simple.  Obvious.  I made fun of him, ignored him.  Basically treated him like crap.  The funny thing was he took it.  He was a good sport about it, and he even seemed like he was actually a nice guy.  Now I realize that it wasn't your now husband's fault we grew apart and I am greatly sorry for how I treated him.  He didn't deserve that.  All he wanted was to be my friend and I pushed him away.  If I could take back the way treated him that night I would.

After that day things were awkward between us.  I never really quite felt like you wanted to talk to me.  You stopped following me on Twitter.  You stopped responding to my texts.  After I planned a trip to San Fran to visit you and get to know your fiancee more you magically had to go out of town the weekend I had planned even after verifying with you that you would be in town before I booked.  You essentially vanished from my life.  I did get an invite to your reception but the entire time I doubted if you actually wanted me there.  Even up until the week before the joyous day I needed reassurance from your sister that you wanted me there.  Of course the entire time there was awkward, uncomfortable and only salvaged by mutual friends who knew my situation.  We talked a little bit but it was superficial and empty.

okayness.  I decided that I wasn't going to reach out to you for this to happen because every time I've reached out in the past nothing was reciprocated.  If you wanted to prove you wanted to still be friends it would be up to you to initiate.  When the time came and you were in town I gave you three days before I reached out to talk to you.  We talked briefly and in vague terms about getting together for lunch or something.  And then nothing.  Our last conversation led to unmet expectations.  How fitting.

Recently I found out why you stopped being my friend.  It seems that you didn't know how to be my friend after I made fun of your new husband.  I have multiple problems with that logic though.  I have made fun of almost everyone you have ever dated up to that moment.  I make fun of almost everyone I meet.  It's how I operate and learn how people will put up with me.  We never had this issue until him.  Furthermore you were my best friend. Best. Friend.  One would think with that designation you would know what I was doing and why.  Clearly you were just looking for an excuse to cut off your friends.

I wouldn't be as upset with this situation we currently find ourselves in if you had just been honest with me when you moved and admitted that things weren't going to stay the same.  Is it really that hard to say "Hey I know things aren't going to be the same between us once I move but that's okay because you're going to move on and find other people that will take my place.  We'll always have our memories and you'll always be near to my heart."?  No instead you toyed with my emotions and led me on and now those memories are forever tainted and I have no desire to ever have anything to do with you.  You ruined it.  Congratulations.



Tales of the endless tether said...

Your post made me cry.
It reminded me of how I must have treated my best friend a squillion years ago.
Situations were different, and truths unknown, but I realise now that I treated him really badly and he didn't deserve that.
I hope you (and he) find a new best friend who truly deserves your friendship.


Adam said...

This is about me, isn't it :( :( :(

Allen said...

Just for the record Adam, no this isn't about you. I would ahve figured the use of the word SHE and describing HER fiancee as a HE would have tipped that one off to you :)

Adam said...

Oh, I figured it was just a part of your anonymization efforts.

Tales of the endless tether said...

Adam, did you used to be Allen's bestie until you got engaged to someone, then you dropped him like a hot brick?

Allen, have you thought about letting her know that you're sorry? (Or is that what this blog's for?)

Allen said...

The blog was more for venting my frustrations with how she acted towards me. I honestly don't really care if we are ever friends again, I just had to get it out. Kinda like a final chapter in a book. I doubt she will ever read it. And if she does, she has my number and we can talk about it.

Tales of the endless tether said...


I find blogging about my thoughts helps to focus and evaluate them, and probably, yeah, venting's a large part of it.

Laura said...

Well Allen this may not make you feel any better but she ditched me in a similiar way several years ago. And she didn't even do me the decency of moving away...

Mark and Erica Linsenmeyer said...

I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say, other than that I am sorry. After I moved, I had every intention of remaining friends with you to the same extent. I didn’t do a good job of that, but truly I tried. I was still struggling to go back to church, and I focused on my spirituality instead of everything else, including you. Then, I started dating Mark, and you ridiculed and mocked him in front of all my friends. You hurt me, and the most important person in my life in that decision. I realize now that you were just being defensive and that you were hurt by not being that person in my life anymore. I am sorry for not realizing that before. However, part of getting married is devoting your whole self to that other person. In that moment, I devoted everything to Mark and in all honesty, I expected an apology. When nothing came, I took that as a sign that you didn’t value our friendship now that I was getting married. Apparently I was wrong, and I apologize for not seeking the answer in person. I am truly sorry for any harm or pain I’ve caused you. I would love to revive our friendship, that is up to you. I still love you very much, and I still do check up on you secretly. I really am sorry for letting my busy life and my personal struggles interfere with our friendship. Reading this post made my heart hurt.


Mark and Erica Linsenmeyer said...

College was a very hard time for me and I was very busy trying to keep myself afloat spiritually and financially. I failed to do that in college, and did not manage to do that until I moved to California and met my husband. During the time when we stopped being friends I was hurt by a few of the people in the group we hung out in. Since I was unsure who was really my friend and who was not, I dropped most of my friends from that group to protect my fragile sense of self worth. I am very sorry for any pain I caused you. I did not know that you were truly my friend. I think you are a wonderful woman, and I hope that you have a very happy life. Again, I am very sorry for anything I did to offend or cause any pain to you. I would love to start from the beginning and develop a friendship with you once more.

Allen said...

Dean, Erica, whatever you want me to call you now,

I honestly don't know what you want me to say here. Honestly I didn't expect there to be a here. You weren't supposed to read this. I'm not mad that you did, just surprised. I don't know if I can accept your apology right now because, again honestly, I don't know exactly how much of it you actually meant. It's one thing to say you're sorry and beg forgiveness to my blog, or ask me to forgive you on formspring but I'm not going to take any of that seriously. Our entire friendship I've been the one to go all the way in an I'm and search you out. I'm tired of it. You're gonna have to be the one that proves you want me as a friend and talk to me about it. I'm here. You have my phone number, and if you don't you have ways to get it, and that's what you're going to have to do. If you truly want to talk about this and to come to some sort of understanding you're going to have to come to me. I think I deserve at least that.