Words I Should Have Said

Hey.  How are you doing?  I hope everything is going well with you in your new life.  I hear things are going smoothly and that you are quite happy, and I am truly glad.  Anyway enough with the small talk it's time I just came out and cut to the chase.  A few months ago I deleted you from Facebook and Twitter.  About a month after that I finally worked out the courage to delete your number from my phone.  This isn't my way of apologizing for doing that because in all honesty you deleted me first.

Yeah that's right you deleted me first.

If we were to take a ride in the Way Back Machine to four years back you would see that you were my best friend.  I could tell you anything.  We would text until the ends of the night.  It was because of you that I had to get unlimited texts you remember that?  You told me about how the latest boy you were dating was driving you crazy, how much you loved a certain show and the time you spent with your family (even if they did drive you to the brink of insanity from time to time). I would tell you it would all get better eventually.  I would tell you about my struggles with my weight.  With my job. With my friends.  With my family. With everything. My favorite times together though was just being around you and not needing to say a word.  In those moments I felt like nothing could hurt me.  No matter what was happening through my life there was safety in those moments.

I thought you knew me better than anyone, especially when I would go through my phases.  You knew everything there could be about me and how I worked.  Sure we would have our moments of difficulty but what friends don't?  You knew about my tendencies to worry about nothing.  To make fun of and ridicule people, especially when I first meet them. To get quiet and whiny when things don't go my way.  To lie and say everything is fine when they obviously aren't.  So many other idiosyncratic aspects of my personality that even I don't immediately recognize.  Maybe at one point you did.

When you decided to move you knew how much it was bothering me and how much I believed that things wouldn't be the same once you left.  You swore to me that they wouldn't.  You told me that I would still see you when you would visit.  You said we would still talk.  You convinced me things would stay the same.

I really should have known better than to believe you.

It started off small.  I would send you texts and it would slowly take you longer to respond.  I would write on your wall only to be met with silence.  The birthday present I bought you was returned because you couldn't get time off work to come up for the game.  You did make time to see me when you came up to visit your family so of course I forgot all about the past slights and thought everything was fine and that error in judgement got me through the next bit until I realized the cycle was continuing on.

Time went on and you told me about a boy you were dating.  How much you liked him.  How you thought maybe he would be the one.  I was happy for you.  I only made one simple request - Don't let me find out about your engagement on Facebook or Twitter.  You laughed and promised I wouldn't.  Four months or so later and you were engaged and I found out on Facebook and Twitter.  You claimed to have texted me but those things don't exactly get lost.

I blamed this distance that was growing between us on your new Fiancee.  He clearly was the one driving you away from any male friends you have out of jealousy.  Clearly if I could just make him go away I would have my friend back.  And so came the day that I finally met the man I disliked so very much.  I would make him feel  unwelcome among your friends he would leave you.  The plan was simple.  Obvious.  I made fun of him, ignored him.  Basically treated him like crap.  The funny thing was he took it.  He was a good sport about it, and he even seemed like he was actually a nice guy.  Now I realize that it wasn't your now husband's fault we grew apart and I am greatly sorry for how I treated him.  He didn't deserve that.  All he wanted was to be my friend and I pushed him away.  If I could take back the way treated him that night I would.

After that day things were awkward between us.  I never really quite felt like you wanted to talk to me.  You stopped following me on Twitter.  You stopped responding to my texts.  After I planned a trip to San Fran to visit you and get to know your fiancee more you magically had to go out of town the weekend I had planned even after verifying with you that you would be in town before I booked.  You essentially vanished from my life.  I did get an invite to your reception but the entire time I doubted if you actually wanted me there.  Even up until the week before the joyous day I needed reassurance from your sister that you wanted me there.  Of course the entire time there was awkward, uncomfortable and only salvaged by mutual friends who knew my situation.  We talked a little bit but it was superficial and empty.

okayness.  I decided that I wasn't going to reach out to you for this to happen because every time I've reached out in the past nothing was reciprocated.  If you wanted to prove you wanted to still be friends it would be up to you to initiate.  When the time came and you were in town I gave you three days before I reached out to talk to you.  We talked briefly and in vague terms about getting together for lunch or something.  And then nothing.  Our last conversation led to unmet expectations.  How fitting.

Recently I found out why you stopped being my friend.  It seems that you didn't know how to be my friend after I made fun of your new husband.  I have multiple problems with that logic though.  I have made fun of almost everyone you have ever dated up to that moment.  I make fun of almost everyone I meet.  It's how I operate and learn how people will put up with me.  We never had this issue until him.  Furthermore you were my best friend. Best. Friend.  One would think with that designation you would know what I was doing and why.  Clearly you were just looking for an excuse to cut off your friends.

I wouldn't be as upset with this situation we currently find ourselves in if you had just been honest with me when you moved and admitted that things weren't going to stay the same.  Is it really that hard to say "Hey I know things aren't going to be the same between us once I move but that's okay because you're going to move on and find other people that will take my place.  We'll always have our memories and you'll always be near to my heart."?  No instead you toyed with my emotions and led me on and now those memories are forever tainted and I have no desire to ever have anything to do with you.  You ruined it.  Congratulations.

Goodbye.

Not so Sweet Meet

So the 380398230843208th annual Sweet Meet was this last Friday and once again the guys were in charge of making their desserts and there was a dance and blah blah blah blah blah. Alright I'm not going to go on and on about the activity because it was in general a fun time and most of you who are reading this were there or have been there so you get it and what it is essentially about.  Instead I am going to rant about Mormon culture in regards to dating in general.

We've all heard the complaints and grievances from both sides.  No one dates.  No one is asking me out.  No one wants to go out with me.  It's really tedious and annoying because in every instance people are saying things that they really have the power to solve but are either too cowardly or prideful to stop.  If you want to go on a date with someone then ask them out.  it doesn't have to be complicated or difficult.  If you are doing something and would like someone to have along, all you have to do is ASK SOMEONE.  You don't have to be thinking of marrying the person on this date, you just have to be open to getting to know them, and since you're the one deciding who you are doing this thing with if you don't want to get to know this person you were dumb to ask them in the first place.  It's about you and getting to know this other person is a perk not the point.  If you fall madly in love like in the movies, great.  If you don't, oh well you have a new friend and is that really so bad?

Now tradition dictates that the guy should be the one doing the asking out.  Screw that noise.  You women have cell phones just as much as us men do and you should be able to shoot someone a text or heaven forbid an actual call to ask them to do something.  Besides as so many women like to remind me men are stupid so if you really think being coy and vaguely flirty is going to actually capture the attention of the average male you are clearly not listening when you are complaining about us.  I'm not saying men shouldn't ask women out, I'm saying women should as well.  Everyone should be asking everyone out.

Which brings us back to the Sweet Meet.  In years previous the whole point of making a dessert was to have it won by one person and set up a very short impromptu meal and dessert date-like evening.  That's the appeal.  You meet someone new and share food, which last I checked was the point of dating.  However last year people complained that they were stuck with someone that they somehow couldn't even be brought about to talk about the weather with for 20 minutes while they ate.  As a result of the complaints they decided to make it into a group thing with three guys and three girls per table.  Now maybe I am alone in this but in group things I don't really get to know people much because I shell up around people I don't know and let other people dominate the conversation while I listen.    Yes I can survive in groups but one dominate personality and I get away with not having to do anything which while leads to a quasi successful activity it also doesn't let anyone really get to know anyone.  I sat at a table with 5 people ranging from complete strangers to casual friends and I honestly can't tell you one thing I learned about any of them.  Meanwhile last year I managed to get to know someone who is now one of my closest friends.  I wouldn't have gotten to know Cassie if the event wasn't one on one, and she certainly wouldn't have gotten to know me.

Yes dating can be awkward.  It can be tough.  It can be rough.  If it was easy, what would be the point?

I have finally figured it out

After exhaustive research I have finally discovered why women are so completely insane. It turns out their minds are constantly trying to decipher every word and action that men such as I make. And of course as opposed to taking the logical and responsible thought pattern as to what a man is saying they twist it into some malfunctioning rude statement or a blatant attack on their person. Now before you misconstrue this as me being bitter and angry because a girl hurt me recently. I can assure you that that is far from the truth. No instead this morning while I was at work waiting to clock on thanks to MSN I stumbled upon a Cosmo test on "50 guy phrases translated". Now I'm a guy so I figured it would be good for a laugh and that I would see some sort of honest article to show to women that while occasionally we don't say what we mean, by and large we aren't some slimy jealous jerk who only wants to have sex with you and will say anything to accomplish that feat.

Holy crap was I wrong. First they only give 3 possible answers to the questions, and I'd say 75% of the time they are all snarky, horrible, and absolutely not what I mean when I say something. For example when I say "I like your shoes" that is not me trying to get out of trouble by saying something nice that I don't mean. No it means I like your shoes. THAT WASN'T EVEN A POSSIBLE ANSWER.

Seriously though women I have to know, do you actually think this way? Because I'll be honest I don't think most men are like that. Yes some of us are I will admit that. Some of us are so full of ourselves that we can't actually carry a conversation without it being about us and we will say anything to get out of an argument even "I like your shoes". However that's a minority. There are nice, honest, sincere, kind, loving, good men out there*. Stop trying to analyze what we are saying to find the base of our character, try our actions. Those are much more telling as to what we mean than what any ridiculous quiz will tell you.


*they're called homosexuals.

I was clearly the wrong person to ask to do this

In a follow up on my last post about writer's block I thought I would share with all of you what I wrote. This was all featured in today's ward newsletter.

Alright so I really don't know what I can tell you that you haven't heard already in regards to dating. I mean we've all been in a singles ward long enough to have heard all the boring cliches (yes even you freshmen). Be patient, go on dates, respect each other, be friendly, blah, blah blah, etc. etc. etc. It's a bored and tired record that I know I am sick of having spouted to me week in and week out. However I do have a few thoughts on the matter that I am going to share with you, feel free to ignore this and fold it into a paper airplane if you don't want to listen.

Ladies: No one wants to hear you complain about how no one asks you on dates. No matter how true it may be, chances are you really just mean that boy you like isn't asking you on a date. Perhaps instead of whining about it you should be proactive about it. Men aren't mind readers, we need you to tell us what you want. Maybe not as blatant as "you should ask me out for this weekend." but flirting is essential. And by flirting I don't mean hard to get flirting because hard to get just means high maintenance to most men.

Men: Stop being so shallow. I really can't say that enough. There are so many women in our ward that deserve to be asked out on dates that simply aren't because of some stupid juvenile thoughts on beauty. Looks will fade. She will put on a few extra pounds. It's her personality and soul that will stay through the ages and eternity.

Ladies: Remember your worth. If a man isn't treating you up to your worth he isn't worth your time or energy. You're amazing, always remember that. Don't stress about that one boy who isn't showing the affection you want, and deserve. He's an idiot who is missing out on you. You just need to go out there and live your life and be happy. Don't waste your pretty on jerks.

Men: You have a cell phone - use it. Email, Facebook, and texting has made us lazy. If you want to show a woman you are serious about spending time with her call her. It will mean a lot more than writing on her wall ever could. If you don't have her phone number, the next time you see her just ask. I'm sure she will be willing to give it to you.

Ladies: If a guy asks you on a date for the first time, say yes. No he may not be that dreamboat you've been eying in Sunday School, but it took a lot for this other fella to ask you out and you never really know just how much fun you could be having until you actually go out.

Men: If a woman declines your invitation for a date, and you aren't sure if she is blowing you off or not apply what I call the "Brad Pitt Rule". If Brad Pitt had asked her on a date would she have turned him down? No. She would have moved heaven and earth to make that happen. Now while you are not Mr. Pitt, if a woman is into you she would drop anything to go out with you. ANYTHING. Obviously there are exceptions and plans that cannot be moved, but if she is into you she will suggest another time for the date. If she doesn't do that, well you've been shut out and there is nothing you can do about it. But don’t worry, she probably isn’t as cool as you thought she was since she doesn’t appreciate your charms. Start pursuing another lady who will.*

Alright there you have it a few simple tips and unsolicited advice on how to date. I do have one more bit of advice for you ladies and gentlemen though if you haven't quite tired of this shtick yet: Just go out on dates. I figure the sooner all of us are married the sooner we can stop being the guilted and start laying on the guilt trips instead.


*The Brad Pitt rule was blatantly stolen from one of my favorite blogs "The Art of Manliness". The whole post can be read here