Words I Should Have Said

Hey.  How are you doing?  I hope everything is going well with you in your new life.  I hear things are going smoothly and that you are quite happy, and I am truly glad.  Anyway enough with the small talk it's time I just came out and cut to the chase.  A few months ago I deleted you from Facebook and Twitter.  About a month after that I finally worked out the courage to delete your number from my phone.  This isn't my way of apologizing for doing that because in all honesty you deleted me first.

Yeah that's right you deleted me first.

If we were to take a ride in the Way Back Machine to four years back you would see that you were my best friend.  I could tell you anything.  We would text until the ends of the night.  It was because of you that I had to get unlimited texts you remember that?  You told me about how the latest boy you were dating was driving you crazy, how much you loved a certain show and the time you spent with your family (even if they did drive you to the brink of insanity from time to time). I would tell you it would all get better eventually.  I would tell you about my struggles with my weight.  With my job. With my friends.  With my family. With everything. My favorite times together though was just being around you and not needing to say a word.  In those moments I felt like nothing could hurt me.  No matter what was happening through my life there was safety in those moments.

I thought you knew me better than anyone, especially when I would go through my phases.  You knew everything there could be about me and how I worked.  Sure we would have our moments of difficulty but what friends don't?  You knew about my tendencies to worry about nothing.  To make fun of and ridicule people, especially when I first meet them. To get quiet and whiny when things don't go my way.  To lie and say everything is fine when they obviously aren't.  So many other idiosyncratic aspects of my personality that even I don't immediately recognize.  Maybe at one point you did.

When you decided to move you knew how much it was bothering me and how much I believed that things wouldn't be the same once you left.  You swore to me that they wouldn't.  You told me that I would still see you when you would visit.  You said we would still talk.  You convinced me things would stay the same.

I really should have known better than to believe you.

It started off small.  I would send you texts and it would slowly take you longer to respond.  I would write on your wall only to be met with silence.  The birthday present I bought you was returned because you couldn't get time off work to come up for the game.  You did make time to see me when you came up to visit your family so of course I forgot all about the past slights and thought everything was fine and that error in judgement got me through the next bit until I realized the cycle was continuing on.

Time went on and you told me about a boy you were dating.  How much you liked him.  How you thought maybe he would be the one.  I was happy for you.  I only made one simple request - Don't let me find out about your engagement on Facebook or Twitter.  You laughed and promised I wouldn't.  Four months or so later and you were engaged and I found out on Facebook and Twitter.  You claimed to have texted me but those things don't exactly get lost.

I blamed this distance that was growing between us on your new Fiancee.  He clearly was the one driving you away from any male friends you have out of jealousy.  Clearly if I could just make him go away I would have my friend back.  And so came the day that I finally met the man I disliked so very much.  I would make him feel  unwelcome among your friends he would leave you.  The plan was simple.  Obvious.  I made fun of him, ignored him.  Basically treated him like crap.  The funny thing was he took it.  He was a good sport about it, and he even seemed like he was actually a nice guy.  Now I realize that it wasn't your now husband's fault we grew apart and I am greatly sorry for how I treated him.  He didn't deserve that.  All he wanted was to be my friend and I pushed him away.  If I could take back the way treated him that night I would.

After that day things were awkward between us.  I never really quite felt like you wanted to talk to me.  You stopped following me on Twitter.  You stopped responding to my texts.  After I planned a trip to San Fran to visit you and get to know your fiancee more you magically had to go out of town the weekend I had planned even after verifying with you that you would be in town before I booked.  You essentially vanished from my life.  I did get an invite to your reception but the entire time I doubted if you actually wanted me there.  Even up until the week before the joyous day I needed reassurance from your sister that you wanted me there.  Of course the entire time there was awkward, uncomfortable and only salvaged by mutual friends who knew my situation.  We talked a little bit but it was superficial and empty.

okayness.  I decided that I wasn't going to reach out to you for this to happen because every time I've reached out in the past nothing was reciprocated.  If you wanted to prove you wanted to still be friends it would be up to you to initiate.  When the time came and you were in town I gave you three days before I reached out to talk to you.  We talked briefly and in vague terms about getting together for lunch or something.  And then nothing.  Our last conversation led to unmet expectations.  How fitting.

Recently I found out why you stopped being my friend.  It seems that you didn't know how to be my friend after I made fun of your new husband.  I have multiple problems with that logic though.  I have made fun of almost everyone you have ever dated up to that moment.  I make fun of almost everyone I meet.  It's how I operate and learn how people will put up with me.  We never had this issue until him.  Furthermore you were my best friend. Best. Friend.  One would think with that designation you would know what I was doing and why.  Clearly you were just looking for an excuse to cut off your friends.

I wouldn't be as upset with this situation we currently find ourselves in if you had just been honest with me when you moved and admitted that things weren't going to stay the same.  Is it really that hard to say "Hey I know things aren't going to be the same between us once I move but that's okay because you're going to move on and find other people that will take my place.  We'll always have our memories and you'll always be near to my heart."?  No instead you toyed with my emotions and led me on and now those memories are forever tainted and I have no desire to ever have anything to do with you.  You ruined it.  Congratulations.

Goodbye.

Thank you for entering my life, now please never leave me

I have an absolute crap load of music on my computer, 7,888 tracks to be exact. If I listened to all of the songs from beginning to end it would last for over 3 weeks without repeating a song. Obviously I have never actually achieved such a feat because I always seem to get distracted and find myself only listening to the newest stuff that I have downloaded and then my favorite artists when I get an urge to listen to say the Beatles or Outkast. However when I am out away from my computer I just put the entire archive on shuffle and let it go until the batteries die. Sometimes it plays a song that I enjoy, others it plays something that I just don't want to listen to at that time, which is where the skip button comes in handy. Occasionally it will play a song that I have never heard in my life. These moments are rare because I always try to educate myself on what I am downloading to see if I like it, but when you just download the entire catalog for a particular artist you are destined to come up with something weird. I've grown used to this and it has given me a few new favorite songs by my favorite artists that I wouldn't regularly have heard.

Earlier this week though something interesting happened. I found a song that I haven't heard of by and artist I have never heard of. I don't know where they came from, how I managed to download these songs or this artist, and I most certainly have no clue what made me go through the effort to download 6 tracks by this guy. All I know is that I like him. A lot. His name is Stephen Malkmus which isn't even a name I can connect to a stray download because of a name. It's like he came out of absolutely nowhere. He isn't even the type of music I regularly enjoy or listen to and yet I can't stop myself. And so here I am on my blog rambling incoherently like I am prone to doing about him. You should all go listen to him and discover a love for him much like I have. At least you'll know where you were introduced to him.

10 things...

So I have decided to make a list. A completely self serving and grandiose list all about myself. This is not like my last list two reasons: 1. it will be short, and 2. I will correctly use bullet points. Today's list is 10 things that make me happy that has nothing to do with other people. The rules are simple, I am to come up with ten things that make me legitimately happy that has absolutely nothing to do with other people. In theory this should be simple. Since this is all a freestyle thing here these are not in any order.

10. the Internet. I could get lost on the Internet for days on end, and I really do feel like I am often sucked into it's web (yes an overly used poorly crafted metaphor, sue me it's late and I lack creativity) but to have so much knowledge and power directly in my hands right along side countless dick jokes? It's like heaven I tell ya!

9. Baseball. Now I will admit I didn't grow up playing the game with my friends or even playing catch with my dad, but in recent years I have learned to greatly appreciate the game, even outside of the workplace. Sure I still don't know what all the stats mean and honestly I don't care, but nothing beats a good rally and the home team coming away with a win.

8. Cooking. The art of cooking and the mastery of it all is something that while I downplay it when I am cooking for myself is still something that can turn a bad day good. The look of a really nice produce section, or even better a farmer's Market can be absolute heaven on earth for me.

7. Shopping. I used to hate this as a kid, but then again which kids didn't hate it? Now I just go and walk around, lusting for clothes that don't fit or complaining about the ones that do. Interestingly enough even the complaining makes me happy. Which brings me to...

6. Complaining. I LOVE to complain. I realize that sounds weird, and that might not sound right to some but honestly there is very few things I get more pleasure from than complaining. Venting your frustrations with the world, or even just those patient enough to listen can be exhilarating and very relaxing. This is why you will often hear me whining about nothing at all simply because I want to be heard.

5. my phone. For the first 2 years of having a cell phone I had a crap phone. Sure it did what I needed it to do, call, text and update my twitter, but it wasn't anything special. I was content, and often cited the mantra of the cheap phone user : "Hey it was free". Then for this last Christmas everything changed. I received the G1 from t-mobile from my dad and stepmom and I realized exactly what I was missing out on. Not only do I never want to look back but I am actually looking into a lobotomy just so they can take out that part of my brain that stores the memories of that phone.

4. a clean room. Now if you actually LOOKED at my room you wouldn't actually believe this one but it's true, a good clean room always makes me happy. The trouble is I lack any and all motivation to keep it that way once it is clean. It usually lasts about a week or so before the laundry piles up or the bed doesn't get made. Still when I do clean my room I always feel like I accomplished the impossible. Maybe that's why it makes me so happy.

3. movies. Alright this one is an easy one and is a bit obvious but I want to talk about it more so I will. I don't know what spawned my love of movies but I do know that a lot of my happiest memories have come from watching movies. Even really horrible movies. In fact one story that I am going to share is the one time I was so in need of air conditioning without running up our heating bill (this was before a movie ticket cost your first born child) I went to go see the movie "the In Crowd" by myself. Now when I say by myself I don't mean I was the only one in my party, no I mean I was the only one in the theater. This was it's second week in the theater too it is that good of a "Wild Things" knock off. Happiest moment of the summer.

2. Greenlake, especially in the spring and/or fall. Oh how I love greenlake. It is so calming and Serene. Sure it gets really crowded and whatnot during the Summer but that is for obvious reasons, it's amazing. It reminds me of the Levies in Lewiston where my mom and I would always go feed the ducks when i was a kid growing up. Maybe that's why I like it so much. It's a shame I live so close to it but I don't think I have been there in months.

1. Laughter. Some would say that laughter is a byproduct of being happy and thus should be disqualified but I disagree, especially since this my list and I make the rules. A good hearty laugh can immediately change a gloomy depression filled day a complete 180 degrees. just one laugh. No matter how sad you are too. It really is amazing. for example I was gravely sick yesterday and my friend Kurt came by and dropped off some soup and Popsicles. In the little while he was there he made me laugh so much I was feeling better before he left. I was still sick but I had forgotten all about it. Thanks Kurt.

Anyway that's my list. Just for fun though let's see what my list would have looked like if I had made it so it wasn't all about me:

10. You.
9. hearing from you.
8. talking to you.
7. hearing your name.
6. knowing you are reading this.
5. that you don't think this about you.
4. or even better that you actually do even though it isn't.
3. that I just confused you.
2. Your kind heart.
1. You.

It's hard out there when your life is so easy

So I have had a lot of time off recently. No my hours haven't been cut, I just managed to go 6 days and only working 13 hours. In all this time I have had a lot of time to think about things. My life is pretty easy going. I have zero complaints. None. The hardest thing I have to "deal" with is being responsible and growing as a person, and honestly that isn't too hard. And yet, I can't seem top bring myself to smile lately. It's not that I am depressed, I just don't have anything to smile for. It's like this conversation I had with Aimee last week, I was having a rough day due to a lot of my friends having a rough day/week/afternoon and the emotional toll it took on me was rough. She asked me if I was happy. I told her the fact that they (meaning the friends who came to cheer me up) were happy I was happy. She reiterated her question, "but Allen, are YOU happy?"

I didn't have an answer.

As I mentioned in passing in my last blog I seem to have forgotten how to feel. I have detached myself so much from everything and everyone through my constant complaining, joking, teasing, and a general "I don't care" malaise that I simply have a hard time grasping my own feelings and claiming them as my own. Sure I have my moments, when I'm making dinner for friends, when I am spending time with those I care about, or when I am coerced into baring my testimony in church by a great friend. But I can't figure out how to hold onto those feelings. What's the point of being happy when you are alone? Why bother smiling when you're at a computer, or waiting for the bus? Why waste the energy being upset when said bus is late? Or the people at the store are rude? Why should that effect my life at all? Simply put what's the point of emotions when you have no one to share them with?

I don't want to end this making you think I'm depressed or sad, because I'm not. Every single day there is always something, or someone that makes me remember the point of feelings. Even if it is just a simple joke stolen from a movie that very few people have seen. But the moments are there, and I am recognizing them more and more, and I haven't lost hope that I will eventually find someone who makes me happy even when they aren't there.

I smiled today, and that's a start.

The fear of looking fat

I have a date tonight. It's no big deal and yet my mind insists on wanting things to be perfect. It has nothing to do with the girl though, even though she seems great so far when I talk to her. No just like I normally do if I have anything remotely social that requires some sort of dressing to a different degree besides casual, I FREAK OUT.

I can dress myself on a daily basis (granted that usually just consists of my work uniform) and match and look good when I don't need to but any time I have to dress up, even church on Sunday, my mind decides "I'm not going to let you be normal". I frantically flip through my closet, finding old standards that have worked in the past and usually go with those after second guessing them for about 30 minutes. Today is even worse because it seems all those old standards are dirty and in need of washing. And of course because I have been busy all morning with other things my laundry JUST went into the wash.

I miss having Adam across the hall. We both had this same problem and we would often bounce ideas off each other and advise each other on our outfits. He was often the only one who actually recognized, appreciated, and openly praised my clothing choices. the first Sunday after he left on his mission I wound up wearing the absolute worst possible outfit and I am convinced it wouldn't have happened if he had just stayed home and went to grad school instead of Korea. And I'll be honest, I'm kinda bitter. Sure there are my other roommates but I'll be honest, none of these guys, Mark excluded, can dress themselves. It's kinda sad. And as for going to Mark, as open as I am to Mark's jokes I still don't want to hear it about what I am wearing. He's too critical and the closest I will ever get to a compliment from him is "eh" or "well I wouldn't wear that but it looks okay on you" and that is not what I need.

Writing this blog post has actually managed to clear my head a bit and help me focus my energy somewhere besides my clothes so maybe I can actually put a decent outfit together for tonight... but what about the Gold & Green tomorrow night???

Maybe I will talk to Mark.