I can trace my fear of abandonment all the way back to the fourth grade. I came home from a friends house to find my mom, the only parent I had at the time thanks to a divorce 3 years earlier, unconscious and accidentally overdosed on sleeping pills. I called 9-1-1 and they talked me through what I needed to do. That night I spent the night at my best friend Shawn's house. The next night I was with a friend of my mom's named Debbie. Then I found myself again with a friend of my mom's except she decided I needed to stay in a foster home. My mom was released from the hospital when it was decided it wasn't a suicide attempt but by that time I was already in the system and living in Lapwai, ID with people I didn't know, in a town I had never been to. Anyone who has ever been in the system should know just how difficult it is to get out of. I was stuck in Lapwai where I was only allowed to see my mom once a week in supervised visits/therapy sessions, and rutinely beaten and punished for being a child for the better part of 4 months when I was moved into a new foster family, the Youngs back in Lewiston. I stayed there for the rest of the school year, seeing my mom more regularly thanks to the fact that the Young family are amazing people and dear friends with my mom. It wasn't the same as being with my mom and I constantly worried about her but it was much, MUCH better than the Lapwai house.
After that I became very clingy with my mom and anyone who was close to me. I tried to get held back into the 6th grade so I could be in class with my friends who were all a year younger than me (didn't work), I routinely faked sick so I could stay home and make sure my mom was safe. I still to this day follow my closest friends around like a lost puppy when I'm at a party or an event I worry that I will lose them and never see them again. Yes this includes dance parties in rooms the size of your standard living room. I simply don't do well with the idea of being alone without those that I love.
Conversely if my friends do manage to move away, or for whatever reason leave me, I cut them from my life almost entirely. I don't write my friends when they go on missions. I simply will not attempt to text or talk to you if you move away. To put it simply I try and pretend you don't exist, and you never existed. It's easier that way, if only because that means you didn't really leave me, but I left you. I wasn't the one getting left behind but instead I let you go and I didn't need you anymore. Sure if you talk to me I will talk back, but again that is because I have all the power. It makes me feel like you need me. I can't have you thinking I need you, because I don't. After all you aren't here right? So what would I need you for? No you have to be the one in need of me. It reminds me that I'm not being abandoned by you in this relationship because you still need me.
If I were to create a list of all the people I go through this same process with, this game as it were, it would be long and numerous. Shoot I don't even call or visit my own mother in her assisted living home. I want to, I think about her every single day of my life, but I don't talk to her unless she calls me. I haven't even gone to visit her in over two years simply because I "have to work." or "it's too busy for me right now" any excuse I can come up with to make her come to me. (I am planning on visiting her for Thanksgiving this year though in an effort to be a better son.) This just proves there is no limit to this disease in my mind. Family, friends, no one is exempt from me needing to prove you need me more than I need you.
I want to get better. I want to stay in contact with people should they move away to say Alaska, St. Louis, California or even just to U2. Sure the motivation is there because I love these people and I need them in my life, but still the worry of them not needing me and outgrowing our friendship just seems too hard to deal with and just inevitable enough to scare me from trying. I wish I was a stronger and better friend where I didn't worry about such pointless and neurotic things but that just isn't going to happen any time soon.
Either way I want you to know, especially those I have effectively eliminated from my life that I do still care about you and worry about you. I still wonder how you are and how life has treated you. I want to reach out that hand and say I am here for you regardless of where you live... but I'm scared.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
12.06.2008
The Soundtrack of My Life
Have you ever wondered what your life's soundtrack would be? In every movie there is music playing in the background that is supposed to fit the scene. In the scenes of life what music would be playing for you? For me I honestly am not sure. I mean would it be the music you listen to most? For me that would most definitely be hip hop, but honestly I'm a middle class white kid so why would songs about struggle and turmoil in slums and ghettos fit my life? It wouldn't so that couldn't be it.
Your favorite song at that moment perhaps? If you are anything like me your favorite song changes just about every couple of days. One day it's "Thug's Mansion" by Tupac, the next it's "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John. Except if you look at a movie's soundtrack there is very little variety in the sound. It sticks to one genre and then hits different points within that. So clearly that theory is out.
So after a lot of thought and scouring my iTunes music I have come up with the soundtrack to my life, enjoy. Perhaps you'll see something you'll want to hear that you hadn't thought about before. Also included is a brief explanation as to why the song was included.
1. Dear Life - Anthony Hamilton. It's the sound of it that I absolutely love. That smooth jazzy music and Hamilton's bluesy vocals. The lyrics are simply genius as well.
2. In this Diary - The Ataris. Now I am already breaking the rules for what makes a soundtrack by picking a rock song after a R&B song, but honestly I couldn't think of a better song to capture my teenage years. Because after all, being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up.
3. Knocking on Heaven's Door - Bob Dylan. Sure this song has been covered by about a billion people ranging from Bon Jovi to Avril Lavigne but nothing can compare to Dylan. This is the song I want played at my funeral. How often have we felt like the pressure is too hard on us to continue and like our life is coming to an end only to overcome it and move on and learn from the lesson? For me it's far too many to think.
4. If You Think You're Lonely Now - Bobby Womack. Quite honestly it never gets better than Bobby Womack. Only he could make a song about getting fed up with your woman and walking out on her sound like a wonderful love song.
5. Buddy Holly - Weezer. Quite simply Weezer is amazing. While I may not look like Buddy Holly, this is still the perfect courting song, and if anyone of you have read my blog for any length of time you would know I do love me some courting.
6. The Girl All the Bad Guys Want - Bowling For Soup. Let's be honest now here guys there will always be that one girl in our past that we tried too hard to impress to no avail because she was into bad boys. We do some stupid things and this song is the epitome of that era in our lives.
7. I Can't Make Me - Butterfly Boucher. At the same time there will also be that amazing girl who you know would do anything for you, and will love you unconditionally no matter how often you screw up that you just can't bring yourself to be interested in. She's your Duckie.
8. The Light - Common. This song helped me understand exactly what love is supposed to be and how to make a relationship work. It also contains my absolute favorite lyrics ever, here's just a sample - "If relationship is effort I will match your work/I wanna be the one to make you happiest, it hurts you the most/They say the end is near, its important that we close../.. to the most, high/Regardless of what happen on him lets rely."
9.Your Precious Love - D'Angelo & Eryka Badu. Another smooth R&B joint. It's a throw back to those classic Temptations and Supremes songs with a contemporary feel. I simply love this song.
10. Passenger Seat - Deathcab For Cutie. I don't know exactly why but every time I hear this song I think of my dad when I was growing up and trips up to my Grandparents home. We didn't spend a whole lot of time together then but when we did it is some of my favorite memories of growing up.
11. Father of Mine - Everclear. Like I said we didn't spend a whole lot of time together.
12. Land of Confusion - Genesis. Okay sure I am picking this mostly for the music video but honestly considering the political climate of most of my life, first with Regan and continuing all the way to Bush Jr. this song perfectly fits my feelings of how we have carried ourselves and how we need to fix it.
13. Cheeseburger in Paradise - Jimmy Buffett. Let's be honest here everyone loves a good burger. And this song is just fun.
14. Hey Mama - Kanye West. What playlist of mine would be complete without an ode to my mother. She's the most amazing woman I have ever met, and the model I use to decide if I a woman is worth my time. I would of went with Tupac's Dear Mama but this one is more positive and fits my mom better.
15. Love Me Or Hate Me - Lady Soverign. Honestly there isn't a better song to describe how people view me and my personality. Sure I am a lovable person but at the same time when you first meet me chances are you will hate me. Once you get past that first impression you will see just who I am and you will love me, but there is no middle ground.
16. Wanna Be Startin' Something - Michael Jackson. The final track on my soundtrack would have to be Michael. The man simply dominated my early childhood. I remember how absolutely horrible I felt when I accidentally left my Thriller LP out in the sun and destroyed it (that feeling only increases every time I think about how much that thing would be worth right now). The man could simply do no wrong at that point. I may not like the man now, but his music is undeniably perfection.
Well there you have it. I think I managed to follow the soundtrack rules, with a few exceptions but then again my life has always been full of exceptions so why should this be any different? So what's your soundtrack look like?
Your favorite song at that moment perhaps? If you are anything like me your favorite song changes just about every couple of days. One day it's "Thug's Mansion" by Tupac, the next it's "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John. Except if you look at a movie's soundtrack there is very little variety in the sound. It sticks to one genre and then hits different points within that. So clearly that theory is out.
So after a lot of thought and scouring my iTunes music I have come up with the soundtrack to my life, enjoy. Perhaps you'll see something you'll want to hear that you hadn't thought about before. Also included is a brief explanation as to why the song was included.
1. Dear Life - Anthony Hamilton. It's the sound of it that I absolutely love. That smooth jazzy music and Hamilton's bluesy vocals. The lyrics are simply genius as well.
2. In this Diary - The Ataris. Now I am already breaking the rules for what makes a soundtrack by picking a rock song after a R&B song, but honestly I couldn't think of a better song to capture my teenage years. Because after all, being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up.
3. Knocking on Heaven's Door - Bob Dylan. Sure this song has been covered by about a billion people ranging from Bon Jovi to Avril Lavigne but nothing can compare to Dylan. This is the song I want played at my funeral. How often have we felt like the pressure is too hard on us to continue and like our life is coming to an end only to overcome it and move on and learn from the lesson? For me it's far too many to think.
4. If You Think You're Lonely Now - Bobby Womack. Quite honestly it never gets better than Bobby Womack. Only he could make a song about getting fed up with your woman and walking out on her sound like a wonderful love song.
5. Buddy Holly - Weezer. Quite simply Weezer is amazing. While I may not look like Buddy Holly, this is still the perfect courting song, and if anyone of you have read my blog for any length of time you would know I do love me some courting.
6. The Girl All the Bad Guys Want - Bowling For Soup. Let's be honest now here guys there will always be that one girl in our past that we tried too hard to impress to no avail because she was into bad boys. We do some stupid things and this song is the epitome of that era in our lives.
7. I Can't Make Me - Butterfly Boucher. At the same time there will also be that amazing girl who you know would do anything for you, and will love you unconditionally no matter how often you screw up that you just can't bring yourself to be interested in. She's your Duckie.
8. The Light - Common. This song helped me understand exactly what love is supposed to be and how to make a relationship work. It also contains my absolute favorite lyrics ever, here's just a sample - "If relationship is effort I will match your work/I wanna be the one to make you happiest, it hurts you the most/They say the end is near, its important that we close../.. to the most, high/Regardless of what happen on him lets rely."
9.Your Precious Love - D'Angelo & Eryka Badu. Another smooth R&B joint. It's a throw back to those classic Temptations and Supremes songs with a contemporary feel. I simply love this song.
10. Passenger Seat - Deathcab For Cutie. I don't know exactly why but every time I hear this song I think of my dad when I was growing up and trips up to my Grandparents home. We didn't spend a whole lot of time together then but when we did it is some of my favorite memories of growing up.
11. Father of Mine - Everclear. Like I said we didn't spend a whole lot of time together.
12. Land of Confusion - Genesis. Okay sure I am picking this mostly for the music video but honestly considering the political climate of most of my life, first with Regan and continuing all the way to Bush Jr. this song perfectly fits my feelings of how we have carried ourselves and how we need to fix it.
13. Cheeseburger in Paradise - Jimmy Buffett. Let's be honest here everyone loves a good burger. And this song is just fun.
14. Hey Mama - Kanye West. What playlist of mine would be complete without an ode to my mother. She's the most amazing woman I have ever met, and the model I use to decide if I a woman is worth my time. I would of went with Tupac's Dear Mama but this one is more positive and fits my mom better.
15. Love Me Or Hate Me - Lady Soverign. Honestly there isn't a better song to describe how people view me and my personality. Sure I am a lovable person but at the same time when you first meet me chances are you will hate me. Once you get past that first impression you will see just who I am and you will love me, but there is no middle ground.
16. Wanna Be Startin' Something - Michael Jackson. The final track on my soundtrack would have to be Michael. The man simply dominated my early childhood. I remember how absolutely horrible I felt when I accidentally left my Thriller LP out in the sun and destroyed it (that feeling only increases every time I think about how much that thing would be worth right now). The man could simply do no wrong at that point. I may not like the man now, but his music is undeniably perfection.
Well there you have it. I think I managed to follow the soundtrack rules, with a few exceptions but then again my life has always been full of exceptions so why should this be any different? So what's your soundtrack look like?
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