Alright so last night there was a dance last night in Mormonville and because I had nothing better to do (literally nothing which is saying something) I decided it was time to venture out and try to enjoy myself. First of all the dance was in Puyallup aka the seventh circle of inbred hell. I honestly thought we were going to wind up in Mexico by the end of the night except I knew deep down that wasn't going to happen if for no other reason than that would be fun and clearly that was not allowed on this night.
Once we get to the venue it became time to people watch and eat some food. the problem occurred when we got there that I couldn't find the food. Now first of all this is a problem because I am fat and if I don't have a steady stream of sugar and fat coating my arteries at all times I start feeling healthy and who the heck wants that? And the secondly there is ALWAYS food at these things and yet it was nowhere to be seen. Turns out there is a seconds story to this MASSIVE building that we also had as part of our event which was where the food was. Bridgette did a wonderful job on the food (I was especially impressed with the thought put into tiny cups of ranch for the veggie platter) but to be honest there were at least 10 other things about this event I loved even more. Why i always wind up making lists I don't know maybe it's because I'm lazy and they are easy either way you're the one reading it so I blame you.
10. Stick guy! Now Stick guy was a special brand of social leper in that people still talked to him despite the fact that he was walking around with what amounted to a shower curtain rod and spinning it around as if he thought he was Donatello from the Ninja Turtles. Granted when I saw him I thought about talking to him simply out of fear that if I didn't he was going to beat me with his stick. Thankfully common sense won out and I did not talk to this wonderful human being.
9. Glow stick dude! I hesitated a bit to put Glow stick Dude ahead of Stick guy but really Glow stick dude is a much better story in the long run so I am gonna stick with this placement. It would appear to the untrained eye that this was just your average freak with glow sticks but oh no this guy was special. his glow sticks were attached to shoe strings so he could swing them around and impress the ladies with his ability to blind them from 4 feet away. Add that with his all white jump suit that made him look like he was a coke dealer and you knew this kid was special. I actually did wind up talking to this guy but completely by accident. I forgot my voice carries when i was talking about him and he turned to me after putting away his glow sticks and said "There's too many people here, I gotta put them away" and of course i offer the friendly, though completely drowning in sarcasm comment "Yeah that's just too bad" to which he smiled as if to think I was serious and really enjoyed his pseudo-pyrotechnics.
8. Glow stick dude and Stick guy meet and become friends! Okay you have to understand the importance of this meeting. this is like if the Beatles sat in with the Stones. Superman and Spider-man team up. Simply put this was the single greatest meeting since Peanut Butter and Jelly! Now you might think I am over reacting to a simple chance encounter between 2 relatively normal people but no I am not. Simply put when their conversation involves this discussion - GSD "We could tie my glow sticks to your stick and swing them around" SG "that would be tight!". You know what these two belong together and I wish I could thank them for making my life complete through their meeting. I can die happy now. sadly the combining of their powers ala Captain Planet did not occur but I'm holding out on next year when they up the ante by setting things on fire.
7. The who's the pedophile? game! Kurt is a funny guy. I'm not entirely sure he gets enough credit for being funny. Yes I'm funnier but that's besides the point. anyway as a way to have fun at this dance Kurt and I played a rousing game of find the pedophile. The goal was to find the person there that seemed most likely to be into little boys/girls. Twisted? Yes. Morbid? Yep. Fun? YES! I'm not sure who won but I'm putting my money on me since I pretty much always win.
6. The Balloon "drop"! Okay so we've all seen the set up for these things: lots of balloons, netting, pull chord, fall, popping, fun ensues. So what happens when you have 500 balloons hanging from a 9 ft ceiling? The thing was essentially resting on people's heads while they danced it was ridiculous. Then when midnight came the people underneath it pulled it down and voila they were trapped under the net. To make matters more fun they put little tickets for free stuff in the balloons so of course it was a mad house and a GIANT mess. Very poorly thought if you ask me.
5. The best DJ ever! No not because of the quality of the music (truth be told it wasn't too horrible but there was a lot to be desired) but because of what he looked like. Our DJ looked almost EXACTLY like Ron Jeremy. I'm not sure what possessed them to book a DJ that resembled quite possibly the most famous male porn star ever but they did and it made my evening that much better. Even better though I wasn't the only one who made this observation as there were at least 3 other people who referenced it with me. For some reason it makes me smile when I'm not the only one capable of making inappropriate comparisons at Mormon activities.
4. Bee girl! Okay so Bee Girl relates back to the pedophile game. Looking around you could tell that as opposed to doing the responsible thing and getting a babysitter or leaving their kids home alone with the older of the seven watching them the chaperons decided what better place for their small children to be than an activity full of 18-30 year olds who are at least 80% creepy. SUPER IDEA. Anyway while we were playing the pedophile game I see this little girl in a yellow dress with black polka dots. I from that moment on dubbed her the Bee Girl for I thought she was just another one of the cute little kids running around and of course she looked like a bee so she needed a nickname. Throughout the evening I wound up getting a closer look at the bee girl and I noticed something - she seemed to be a victim of perspective in an interesting way. Instead of getting bigger the closer I got to her she got older. She stayed the same height no matter how far away or close I was but when I got close up I realized she was actually a 23 year old fully grown adult. I swear I could have held her on my hand if I had tried. I wanted to get a picture with her but I realized just how fat I would look standing next to her and there was no way I was gonna do that to myself.
3. Alien Hombre! Okay imagine an alien. Your average run of the mill standard sci-fi alien. let me guess big forehead, small eyes, tiny mouth. Well there was a guy who looked just like that except he had hair. Essentially Brainiac from the Superman comic books. However the confidence this guy had was amazing. Alien Hombre I admire your ability to talk to women despite how you look. You are a hero among men right next to Stick Guy and Glow Stick Dude. My suggestion though in the near future - invest in some hats.
2. The Theater Room! So I love movies. Why am I telling you this? You know it already I mean come one I talk about them every single post. In my first venture around the venue I noticed they had a theater room. What Kurt and I saw was one of the most awkward things I have ever seen. Inside the theater room there was one 50 year old lady sitting there watching Happy Days on DVD. That was it. One lady. Throughout the evening I had to share in the joy of the theater room to others and I took no less than 3 trips to the theater room. The second time there was a second guy there, and the third time even the 50 year old lady had had enough of the Fonz jumping the shark. Below is an reenactment with Derek subbing in for the 50 year old lady.
1. The ladies! Okay this is the point where I become a blatant suck up to my friends. While yes this evening was chock full of freaks and weirdos it also featured many wonderful beautiful women. Dean was exceptionally beautiful this evening in a dress her sister Raven got her for Christmas (Raven was also quite lovely). Sarah Hammond and Charity looked classy as ever. Kaylene was an exceptionally beautiful woman. Melina and Jenessa of course were the only people there that knew there was a theme and went all out with it (I especially enjoyed Jenessa's shoes) and looked lovely. And then of course there was Whitney, Bridgette, Leah and Sarah Pearce. I often describe them as 4 of my favorite ladies and on this night was no different. These ladies always go all out with their outfits and always look amazing and yet I don't feel they get enough credit for it. I know I left out a lot of ladies that I also enjoyed but these ones are the few I really thought deserved some special attention. Why I thought special attention in the form of a blog post where I am 98% sarcastic and mean I'm not sure but that's where they get it. You ladies are awesome.
Editors UPDATE: Derek was so kind to add even more of the wonderfulness to this list on his latest blogpost with a list of Honorable Mentions. You can read them
HERE.
This one is the easy one to explain why she's mom to me - she birthed me, but as I have learned in the past it takes more than birthing to make someone a mother and this woman has earned that title tenfold. She has inspired me to follow my heart and given me a role model for strength and is the personification of every virtue I could ever dream of becoming. As a single mother she very easily could have given up and accepted her fate but instead she persevered and pushed through all of her trials to raise the man who I have become. All I have done and wish to become is a testament to her. I love you Mom.
Ah my extended family. The closest thing I had to brothers and sisters would be the Young's. They were the friends that my mom trusted unequivocally to take care of me. Lynnette started out for me as my Den mother in scouts back when I actually enjoyed scouts. She taught me so many lessons and did such a wonderful job as a positive influence in my life especially when it could have been lost to the dark side. There was a time when this was my family. Fourth grade was difficult to me as I spent most of it in foster care. This wonderful family rescued me from a horrible, horrible foster home and took me in and showed me love. I lived with them for about 6 months and I truly grew to love them. I still remember my birthday from that year if for no other reason than my best friend Shawn ruined my presents and got in a lot of trouble with Lynnette for doing so. He never ever told me another gift I was given ever again. I know that even to this day I could turn to them if I ever needed something or just wanted to talk. Oh how I love them, all of them.
Once I moved out on my own I found myself in Pasco and honestly that was the best possible thing that could have happened to me. I grew so much in my time in Pasco and I owe a great deal of that growth to Anita and Pres Farrell. I wasn't the most active member before I moved to Pasco, but I made a decision that once I moved there that it was time for a fresh start and so I decided to start going to church regularly. Pres was my branch president and was highly active in talking and meeting with members of the branch. I met with him every single week for a year, not because I was doing something wrong or working through some sin but because he cared. It is because of him I am an elder. It is because of him I have my patriarchal blessing. It is because of him I am endowed. Now Anita was always a doll. She spoke her mind and pulled no punches. In an effort to allow me to save money and to just keep me out of trouble no doubt they would let me come over to their house and do laundry every single week. I would come over every Wednesday with laundry ready to go, help Pres watch their grand kids during the day. Often they would feed me and generally take care of me in a time when I most needed it.
